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\u201cSo, when are you having kids?\u201d my aunt asked me. At that point, I was 30 and had just been married for a few months. I didn\u2019t even know if<\/em> I wanted kids, much less when<\/em> I was having them.<\/p>\n So I simply said, \u201cI haven\u2019t decided if I want kids.\u201d I would spend the next hour listening to horror stories about women who (1) regretted not having children because they had put it off until it was too late, and (2) had difficulty conceiving because they had waited too long, basically suggesting that I was going to regret it if I didn\u2019t work on producing children right away.<\/p>\n This would be my life for the next few years, where I would receive constant questions revolving around \u201cWhen are you having kids?\u201d from friends and relatives, followed by a bizarre, almost ritualistic attempt to persuade me to have kids.<\/p>\n If you think that this stops after having a kid, nope. The people who previously told you to have \u201cjust one kid\u201d will now tell you to have one more. It just seems like it will never end.<\/p>\n I can understand why people like to ask this question. Find a partner, get married and have kids. This is the path we\u2019ve been taught to follow since young<\/a>. This is the path we\u2019ve been told is the<\/span> way of life.<\/p>\n This is especially so in the Chinese culture where having kids is seen as the ultimate goal in life. Sayings like \u751f\u513f\u80b2\u5973, which means to birth sons and raise daughters, and \u5b50\u5b59\u6ee1\u5802, which means to be in a room filled with children and grandchildren (often used to symbolize the peak of happiness), all support this belief.<\/p>\n A multi-generation family, often used to symbolize the peak of happiness in the Chinese culture<\/p>\n<\/div>\n So after you get married, people automatically assume that this should be your life path. Without thinking, they jump in and ask \u201cWhen are you having kids?\u201d, as if really expecting you to give them a straight answer.<\/p>\n The problem is that it\u2019s rude. It\u2019s invasive. It\u2019s also presumptuous.<\/p>\n Firstly, having kids is a deeply personal matter. Whether someone wants kids or not is something for them to discuss with their partner, and not anyone else\u2019s business. Whether you\u2019re someone\u2019s best friend or relative, you shouldn\u2019t be asking a question like, \u201cWhen are you having kids?\u201d, because (a) you\u2019re assuming that the person wants kids when they may not, and (b) you\u2019re assuming that they even want to discuss this with you, when they may well not want to.<\/p>\n Even if you\u2019re asking this with the intent of having a heart-to-heart, something like \u201cDo you have any plans for kids?\u201d or \u201cAre you guys thinking of having kids?\u201d would be more appropriate. The question should be open-ended and not presumptive, because, believe it not \u2014 not everyone wants kids.<\/p>\n Secondly, everyone has their path in life<\/a>. The path is not the same for everyone and that\u2019s okay. Some people want kids while some don\u2019t. Some think that having kids is the greatest joy in life, while some see kids as a burden.<\/p>\n Having children is a decision with lifelong impact and will take away significant time, energy and resources from the parent(s) for the first 20 years or so of the child\u2019s life. Anyone who has kids \u2014 and has raised them themselves \u2014 can attest to this. There are many<\/em> ups and downs of having kids, and for some, the downs are too much and it\u2019s simply not practical or realistic to give up so much of their lives to have kids. For some, it is better to remain child-free rather than have kids for the sake of it.<\/p>\n To assume that everyone should have kids, just because some other people think that having kids is the great and awesome, is rude and disregards an individual\u2019s own wishes for their life.<\/p>\n Take for example, Oprah Winfrey \u2014 philanthropist and talk show host. Oprah chose not to have kids and dedicated herself to her purpose of serving the world. She produced and hosted The Oprah Winfrey Show<\/em>, the highest-rated daytime talk show in America, for 25 years; founded a leadership academy for girls; and started her television network OWN<\/em>. Through the years, she has inspired millions and become a champion for people worldwide.\u00a0As she says,<\/p>\n \u201cWhen people were pressuring me to get married and have children, I knew I was not going to be a person that ever regretted not having them, because I feel like I am a mother to the world\u2019s children. Love knows no boundaries. It doesn\u2019t matter if a child came from your womb or if you found that person at age two, 10, or 20. If the love is real, the caring is pure and it comes from a good space, it works.\u201d \u2014 Oprah[<\/sup>1<\/a><\/sup>]<\/sup><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Is her life not purposeful because she doesn\u2019t have kids? No, not at all. In fact, I dare say that her life is much more purposeful than many in the world, including some people who have kids.<\/p>\n Many famous celebrities have chosen not to have kids as well:<\/p>\n And then there are others like Chow Yun Fat<\/a>, Marisa Tomei, Ren\u00e9e Zellweger<\/a>, Rachael Ray<\/a>, and Jennifer Aniston. These people choose to be child-free for different reasons, such as because they\u2019re already pursuing paths deeply meaningful to them<\/a>, because they do not wish to be tied down with a child, or because they just don\u2019t feel a deep desire to have children.<\/p>\n Not having kids has not prevented them from being happy, and people need to stop painting the narrative that one must have kids to be happy. Doing so has caused many parents to suffer dissonance when they have kids and realize that reality is far off from what they were told. There are people with kids who are deepy unhappy, and there are many who live deeply fulfilling and happy lives without kids. There is no one path to happiness, and it is up to the individual to define what makes them happy.<\/p>\n Thirdly, you never know what others are going through.<\/p>\n Some people may want kids but are facing fertility struggles. For example,<\/p>\n About 10% of women have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant[<\/sup>9<\/a><\/sup>]<\/sup> while 13.5% of known pregnancies end in miscarriages, with the figure rising as the maternal age rises.[<\/sup>10<\/a><\/sup>]<\/sup><\/p>\n For some, the journey to conceive is fraught with deep pain as they experience miscarriages, go through round after round of invasive fertility treatments, and wait in vain for a successful pregnancy.<\/p>\n And then there are people who cannot have their biological children due to genetic issues, illnesses, or problems with their reproductive system, which could have been there since birth. For example, Charmed <\/em>star Shannen Doherty was unable to have children due to her cancer treatment.[11<\/a>]<\/sup><\/p>\n Barack and Michelle Obama had a miscarriage before having their daughters via IVF<\/p>\n<\/div>\n While you may be think that you\u2019re being helpful or funny by asking people when they\u2019re having kids, your question may well trigger hurt and pain. As Zuckerberg said,<\/p>\n \u201cYou feel so hopeful when you learn you\u2019re going to have a child. You start imagining who they\u2019ll become and dreaming of hopes for their future. You start making plans, and then they\u2019re gone. It\u2019s a lonely experience.\u201d[<\/sup>12<\/a><\/sup>]<\/sup><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n For some, having kids is simply not something they can consider due to their circumstances in life.<\/p>\n Some people may lack the financial resources to have kids, a reality in places like Singapore.<\/p>\n Some people may be facing serious issues with their marriage, in which case their priority should be to work on their marriage, not to have kids.<\/p>\n Some people may be so burdened with caring for their dependents that they are unable to consider kids, at least not at the moment.<\/p>\n And then there are people who may be facing health issues, issues that you don\u2019t know and can\u2019t see, that would make pregnancy difficult due to the toll it would take on their body.<\/p>\n For these people, they may look like they\u2019re in a perfect place to have kids due to their age, job status, etc. But the reality is they can\u2019t due to very serious, legitimate reasons, and you don\u2019t know because you aren\u2019t them.<\/p>\n Lastly, there are people who are neutral to the idea of having kids. This was me when I just got married. These people need time to think it through, because having kids is a permanent, lifelong decision with serious consequences<\/span>. There\u2019s no reason to assume that having kids should be an automatic decision because you\u2019re bringing a whole new life into this world. This is a decision that would change your life forever<\/em>, as well as the life of the child you bring into the world.<\/p>\n I personally think one of the worst things someone could do is to simply have children for the sake of it, and then afterward give their child sub-standard care, something which I feel many people do.<\/p>\n For those who have yet to have kids, they need the space to figure out what they want \u2014 not have people breathe down their neck day in and out about having kids.<\/p>\n For the first few years after I got married, I wasn\u2019t thinking about having kids. Firstly, having a child is a lifelong decision, and I wanted to enjoy married life before diving into a decision as serious as that. Secondly, my husband and I were happy spending our lives with just each other<\/a> \u2014 we didn\u2019t feel the need to have kids, certainly not in the way our culture obsesses over it. Thirdly, my husband was dealing with some personal problems and I was fully focused on supporting him through them. These were issues that we needed to sort through before considering kids, if we were to want kids.<\/p>\n Yet I kept getting nudges to have kids, even though I never said anything about wanting them.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, when are you having kids?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis person\u2019s baby is so cute, isn\u2019t it? Why don\u2019t you hurry up and birth a baby?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhen is it your turn?\u201d (In response to news that someone else just had a kid)<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n It was as if I was some vehicle, some machine to produce kids, where my own views in the matter didn\u2019t matter. It felt dehumanizing, even degrading.<\/p>\n The most frustrating thing was that I kept getting this question, while my husband \u2014 as a man \u2014 would never get it, even when we were in the same room together.<\/p>\n It was as if my sole reason for existence as a woman was to have kids, and until I had them, I was regarded as unworthy or incomplete.<\/strong><\/p>\n Yet the decision to have children is a personal one. It is a complex one. It is also a decision that will permanently change the lives of the couple.<\/p>\n It is not a decision that one should be pressurized into making because their mom wants grandchildren or because their grandma wants to play with kids. It\u2019s a decision that a couple should make because they genuinely want to bring a life into this world and nurture it to its highest level, and are ready to overcome all odds and challenges in the process of doing so.<\/p>\n Because when a child is born, the people bugging others to have kids aren\u2019t the ones who will be caring for the baby 24\/7. They are also not the ones whose lives will be set back by years (even decades) as they care for the new life. Neither will they be the ones responsible for every decision concerning the child for the next 21 years.<\/strong><\/p>\n It will be the couple.<\/p>\n And the people who aren\u2019t ready, who were pressured into having kids because they were told that it was the best thing to do, may have to deal with regret as they are stuck with a decision they cannot undo. Because <\/strong>there<\/a><\/strong> are<\/a><\/strong> people<\/a><\/strong> who<\/a><\/strong> regret<\/a><\/strong> having<\/a><\/strong> kids<\/a><\/strong>, and we need to be honest about that.<\/strong> These people regret, not because of the child\u2019s fault, but because they were simply not ready to have kids, be it financially, emotionally, or mentally. Unfortunately, the children are the ones who eventually suffer, from living in dysfunctional households to dealing with issues of violence<\/a>, abuse<\/a>, and anger<\/a>.<\/p>\n We need to recognize these realities and not make parenthood seem like it\u2019s a panacea that solves a lack of purpose or life\u2019s problems. Things don\u2019t magically get better because people have kids; existing problems usually worsen as having a child puts a huge strain on a couple\u2019s lives. Digging into people\u2019s plans to have kids, and pressurizing them into one of the biggest life decisions they can ever make, will only stress them out and perhaps push some into depression. As this redditor<\/a> shared,<\/p>\n \u201cI have a friend who went through six years of miscarriages and fertility treatments before the doctors figured out the problem and she had her son. The nosy ladies at her work and her in-laws questioned her constantly. The depression from that made it harder for her to conceive.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n So, if you like to ask others when they\u2019re having kids, it\u2019s time to stop that. It\u2019s rude, invasive, and disregards other people\u2019s need for privacy. It\u2019s also none of your business.<\/p>\n The reality is that if people want kids, they will work on having kids. They don\u2019t need you to prod them.<\/p>\n If they don\u2019t have kids, it\u2019s either because<\/p>\n For people in group (d), they aren\u2019t going to share such deeply personal experience over some afternoon tea, and certainly not by you asking, \u201cWhen are you having kids?\u201d<\/p>\n The best thing you can do is to give people space.<\/strong> Understand that having kids is a personal decision, and people don\u2019t have to share or explain anything. Respect that others have their right to privacy. Respect that people are individuals on their own path, and this path may not involve having kids. And this doesn\u2019t make them incomplete or lesser in any way.<\/p>\n Instead of asking people \u201cWhen are you having kids?\u201d, talk to them like you would to a normal person.<\/strong> There\u2019s no reason why conversations should suddenly revolve around childbearing after marriage; it\u2019s not like a person\u2019s identity changes to revolve around having kids. A person still has their own passion<\/a>, goals<\/a>, and dreams<\/a>. Talk to them about what they\u2019ve been doing. Understand their interests. Know them as a real person, not some random being here to fulfill society\u2019s checklist.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re really interested in someone\u2019s plan to have children, like I mentioned in the beginning, you can simply ask, \u201cDo you have any plans for kids?\u201d If they wish to share more, they will do so. If they give a half-hearted or evasive answer, then take the hint and move on.<\/p>\n Ultimately, having kids or not doesn\u2019t change one\u2019s self-worth. A woman is complete with or without kids. A man is complete with or without kids.\u00a0 A marriage doesn\u2019t need kids to be deemed complete. Having kids should be a conscious choice, not a result of external pressure. Don\u2019t judge people by whether they have kids or not. Some people will have kids and some won\u2019t. Some will have kids early, while some will have them later in life. All of these are different paths<\/a> and there\u2019s nothing wrong with them.<\/p>\n For me, we eventually decided to have a baby and we now have our beloved baby girl. Yet other people\u2019s comments and nudges on when I\u2019m having kids didn\u2019t make me want to have children; it only irritated me and made me want to avoid these people, because having a child is a personal decision and has nothing to do with them. It was after my husband and I enjoyed married life without kids, and had the space to actively pursue our goals and interests, that we finally felt ready to have a kid.<\/p>\n In the meantime, I hope all of you are doing well. There are things that I\u2019m working on that I look forward to sharing in time to come! Sending lots of love to you, and remember that whatever life challenge you\u2019re facing, you have it in you to overcome it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"The problem with \u201cWhen are you having kids?\u201d<\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\n1) Having kids is a personal matter<\/h3>\n
2) Having kids is not the only path to happiness<\/h3>\n
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3) You may cause hurt and pain<\/h3>\n
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4) Not everyone is in a place to have kids<\/h3>\n
5) Some people could still be thinking<\/h3>\n
My experience<\/h2>\n
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The decision to have kids<\/h2>\n
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Stop asking couples when they\u2019re having kids<\/h2>\n
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