{"id":397,"date":"2017-10-05T11:16:06","date_gmt":"2017-10-05T11:16:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/?p=397"},"modified":"2023-09-06T14:20:58","modified_gmt":"2023-09-06T14:20:58","slug":"im-in-a-domestic-violence-situation-what-should-i-do","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/2017\/10\/05\/im-in-a-domestic-violence-situation-what-should-i-do\/","title":{"rendered":"I\u2019m in a Domestic Violence Situation. What Should I Do?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_40091\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"width: 800px\"><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"size-full wp-image-40091 lazyload\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAAAAACH5BAEKAAEALAAAAAABAAEAAAICTAEAOw==\" alt=\"Woman in the dark\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" data-src=\"http:\/\/twilia.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/woman-in-the-dark.jpg\" data-srcset=\"http:\/\/twilia.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/woman-in-the-dark.jpg 800w, https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/files\/woman-in-the-dark-400x267.jpg 400w, https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/files\/woman-in-the-dark-200x133.jpg 200w\"><\/p>\n<p class=\"wp-caption-text\">(Image: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/shitsuren\/8315473527\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">Silvia Sala<\/a>)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>A while back I received an email from my client C:<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>During our recent session, you asked me when was the first time I feared not being heard or being mocked. I\u2019m currently introspecting about this.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s a moment from my past that\u00a0I don\u2019t know if I experienced it or not\u2026 I wonder if I had witnessed my father beating up my mother before.<\/p>\n<p>This morning, when I was in the shower, I got my answer. I did witness it (this was many years ago). However, I did\/said nothing\u00a0to help my mom at that time. I wanted to tell my dad to stop but I couldn\u2019t speak up because I felt that I wouldn\u2019t be heard and\u00a0also, I\u00a0was too small\u00a0then. I think this is the <a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/root-cause\/\">root cause<\/a>\u00a0of my fear. Realizing this made me feel guilty for not helping her. I felt so helpless that I cried.<\/p>\n<p>This is a terrible memory. What should I do? I\u2019m afraid of situations of violence towards women and I think it\u2019s too much for me to handle.<\/p>\n<p>Do you have some precious advice for me?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>Subsequently I had a few exchanges with C which gave me more insight into the situation. Apparently her dad had been hitting her mom since C was a kid (it\u2019s not clear whether it\u2019s still going on since she no longer lives with her parents), and she witnessed many of these incidents. C never told anyone about this nor\u00a0interjected except for one time. However, this did not solve the problem as the abuse continued after that.<\/p>\n<p>When C told me this, I immediately empathized with her. This is not an easy situation to be in. On one hand, she loves her mom and wants to stand up for her. On the other hand, there is her dad, whom she cares\u00a0about too, but who had been harming her mom. And then\u00a0there are other struggles and considerations on what to do. <em>Call the police? But what if others get wind of this shameful incident? Stop my dad? But what if he hits me too? Talk to my mom? But what if she denies it? But what if this continues?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>These didn\u2019t change my advice for her though, which is that\u00a0<strong>domestic abuse\u00a0should never be\u00a0tolerated or allowed to continue in any form<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<h2>Domestic Violence Statistics<\/h2>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Domestic_violence\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">Domestic violence<\/a> (also domestic abuse,\u00a0spousal abuse, family violence) is a pattern of violent or abusive behavior by one person against another in a domestic context, such as in a marriage or during cohabitation.\u00a0Allow me to share some stats on domestic violence from\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/www.ncadv.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">National Coalition Against Domestic Violence<\/a>:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Every minute, nearly 20 people are victims of physical violence by a partner in the United\u00a0States. This equates to more than 10 million women and men a year.<\/li>\n<li><strong>85% of domestic violence victims are women.<\/strong><\/li>\n<li>Historically, females are most often victimized by someone they knew.<\/li>\n<li>Nearly 7.8 million women have been raped by an intimate partner at some point in their lives. And this is a figure from\u00a0<em>2003<\/em>.\u00a0An estimated 201,394 women are raped by an intimate partner each year.<\/li>\n<li>On a typical day, more than 20,000 phone calls are made\u00a0to domestic violence hotlines\u00a0in U.S.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Sexual assault or forced sex occurs in approximately 40-45% of battering relationships.<\/strong><\/li>\n<li>Intimate partner violence (i.e. abuse by a significant other)\u00a0accounts for\u00a015% of all violent crimes.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Almost one-third of female homicide victims are killed by an intimate partner.<\/strong><\/li>\n<li>One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.<\/li>\n<li>Last but not least\u2026<strong>\u00a0most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police<\/strong>.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>While these stats apply to the U.S., they give you an idea of how widespread domestic violence is.<\/p>\n<p>As a woman, domestic violence has an emotional place in my heart. It\u2019s not because domestic violence tends to happen to women (I imagine I\u2019d\u00a0be\u00a0equally passionate even if I were male), but because (a) I dislike people who abuse their strength to harm the weak, and (b) physical violence goes beyond what we should do as conscious beings; it\u2019s inexcusable.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve never been in domestic violence situations, but I have heard of stories from my clients and a friend who grew up in abusive households. For them, it was their dads who hit their moms. When they tried to intercept, their dads would beat them up too. And my friend is a girl. The abuse decreased as they grew up, probably because they are now adults who can fend for themselves. But there\u2019s no telling when their dads would flare up again.<\/p>\n<h2>Signs of Domestic Abuse<\/h2>\n<p>We hear of people dealing with abuse and we get outraged, wondering why these people put up with the situation. But for the person\u00a0<em>in\u00a0<\/em>the abusive relationship\/household, it\u2019s not always clear-cut because you see both the good and bad sides of the person. Things can get blurred. The abuser can be nice to you but abusive to your family member. The abuser may make you think it\u2019s your fault. Your culture may normalize abuse and make it seem like it\u2019s normal (it\u2019s not). Or you may be traumatized by the ordeal and block it off mentally, like what happened to my client C.<\/p>\n<p>Here are some signs that you are facing domestic abuse:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>The clearest sign is of course, violence.<\/strong> Hitting, slapping, punching, pushing, or any violent physical contact is abuse. No one has the right to hit you, not even your parent. This line gets blurred in the Chinese\/Indian culture, because harshly caning or hitting your children is <a href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Corporal_punishment_in_the_home\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">considered normal<\/a> in the name of discipline. This is something I disagree with after growing up and learning more about human rights. Light discipline at home, coupled with proper explanation and counseling is different from publicly hitting your child and screaming at him\/her, or repeated physical discipline.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Abuse can also happen through words.<\/strong>\u00a0Threats, shaming, and intimidation are abuse. No one should make you feel less as a person. If your parent\/partner <a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/shaming\/\">shames<\/a> or threatens you repeatedly, this is emotional abuse. Constant hurling of vulgarities is also a form of abuse.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Disregard of the abuse.<\/strong> The person denies the abuse is happening, or even blames it on you. He\/She may normalize the behavior and make you think that the abuse is normal.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Control of your actions.\u00a0<\/strong>The person controls your behavior to a large degree. For example controlling who you can see, what you can do, where you can go. Isolating you from others. Demanding that you do certain things. The abuser\u2019s goal is be the center of your universe and gain dominance over your life.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Threats.<\/strong>\u00a0The person threatens to leave you, hurt him\/herself, or kill him\/herself or you if you don\u2019t comply with his\/her demands. If you have children, he\/she may also threaten the safety of your children.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Addiction.<\/strong>\u00a0While addiction to alcohol or drugs doesn\u2019t mean the person is an abuser, these behaviors often go hand in hand. Alcohol and drugs alter a person\u2019s mood and makes someone more prone to violence.<sup>[<a href=\"https:\/\/www.drinkaware.co.uk\/alcohol-facts\/health-effects-of-alcohol\/mental-health\/alcohol-and-aggression\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">1<\/a>][<a href=\"https:\/\/pubs.niaaa.nih.gov\/publications\/aa38.htm\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">2<\/a>]<\/sup><\/li>\n<li><strong>Frequent anger outbursts.\u00a0<\/strong>The person gets angry so easily that you worry about what you say, do, in order not to trigger him\/her. You constantly \u201cwalk on eggshells,\u201d doing everything you can not to trigger him\/her.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><em>More warning signs of domestic abuse <a href=\"https:\/\/www.hf.org\/hospitals_services\/hrmc\/trauma\/warning_signs.cfm\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">here<\/a>, <a href=\"http:\/\/newchoicesinc.org\/help\/DV\/signs\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">here<\/a>, and\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.webmd.com\/mental-health\/tc\/domestic-violence-signs-of-domestic-violence\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">here<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>It doesn\u2019t matter if the person exhibits the above 1% or 10% of the time. Abuse is abuse, and justifying it with the person\u2019s good side (which I\u2019m sure is true) downplays the gravity of the situation.<\/p>\n<h2>How To Deal With Domestic Violence<\/h2>\n<p>If you are dealing with abuse or witnessing abuse in your household, please don\u2019t ignore it. Here are my recommendations:<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li><strong>It\u2019s not your fault.<\/strong> People who are abused often downplay the situation. They \u201cnormalize\u201d the abuse and think that their experience is normal, or that it\u2019s their fault. Well\u00a0it is not your fault. Do not accept, deny, normalize the situation, or blame yourself.<\/li>\n<li><strong>\u201cIt only happened once\u201d is not an excuse.<\/strong>\u00a0Once is one time too many. When someone becomes abusive, that means he\/she has lost control of his\/her better senses. There\u2019s no telling when he\/she will flare up again. If you witnessed an abusive act, this is worse as it means that the abuse has probably been going on for a while. Report it right away.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Stop wearing a mask. Tell someone.\u00a0<\/strong>A domestic violence victim is often living in a bubble. This bubble could be self-created (the victim cuts him\/herself off from others to normalize the abuse) or created by the abuser. This first step to get out of the bubble is to tell someone about your pain. This person can be anyone you trust \u2014 your friend, relative, colleague, neighbor, family. Just talking to someone can give you clarity and the power to act on the situation. Be wary of bad advice, such as if your confidant tries to downplay the abuse or convince you that it\u2019s okay. It is not okay and it\u2019s\u00a0not normal. Speak to those who can give you sound advice and a good listening ear.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Talk to the victim.<\/strong>\u00a0If you witnessed abuse, talk to the victim asap. Several reasons: (a) The victim may feel trapped, with no one else knowing about this. While you may think that you are invading his\/her privacy, chances are he\/she will feel relieved as he\/she is no longer alone in the problem. (b) You help the victim realize that the abuse is wrong, something he\/she may be normalizing. (c) You can help the victim identify practical next steps. Do not wait as this only perpetuates the abuse.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Call the police.<\/strong>\u00a0Domestic violence is illegal in many countries, and new laws are drawn up to protect the victims. In the UK, a new law targeting people who psychologically and emotionally abuse their partners, spouses, or family members came into force in 2015.<sup>[<a href=\"http:\/\/www.independent.co.uk\/news\/uk\/home-news\/everything-you-need-to-know-about-the-new-psychological-abuse-law-a6789271.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">3<\/a>]<\/sup>\u00a0Instead of taking matters into your own hands, call the police and let them know that you are in danger. The police would have a process for handling abuse. For example, helping women to get an injunction, and serving\u00a0as referral agents to other professionals, such as a domestic violence and abuse agency, a woman\u2019s refuge, and family justice center.<sup>[<a href=\"http:\/\/www.healthtalk.org\/peoples-experiences\/domestic-violence-abuse\/womens-experiences-domestic-violence-and-abuse\/role-police-domestic-violence-and-abuse\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">4<\/a>]<\/sup><\/li>\n<li><strong>Document the abuse. <\/strong>This is important to make your case later in a police report or for child custody. Get as much evidence as you can of the abuse. Keep a diary and note down the dates\/times of the abuse, get videos\/pictures of the abuse, get pictures of any injury, and get pictures of weapons used if any. Read:\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/www.thehotline.org\/2014\/05\/12\/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">Building Your Case: How to Document Abuse<\/a><\/li>\n<li><strong>Call a domestic abuse helpline. <\/strong>The people at a domestic abuse helpline are equipped to advise you and provide remedies based on your local laws. (See the end of the post for helpline numbers.) If you can\u2019t find a helpline in your country, talk to a healthcare professional, such as a doctor, therapist, or counselor. If there\u2019s a woman\u2019s shelter, seek help there.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Leave the relationship.<\/strong>\u00a0I understand for some women who are locked in abusive relationships (e.g. having no family in a foreign land, having financial struggles, having children in the same household with nowhere to go), it\u2019s not possible to leave the relationship right away. It may also get you killed. I\u2019d like to share some verbatims from domestic abuse survivors (who left their abusive relationship)<sup>[<a href=\"http:\/\/www.healthtalk.org\/peoples-experiences\/domestic-violence-abuse\/womens-experiences-domestic-violence-and-abuse\/messages-women-violent-or-abusive-relationship\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">5<\/a>]<\/sup>:\n<ul>\n<li><strong><em>\u2018Do not put up with it. You are worth more\u2026 if someone is making your life hell and miserable, don\u2019t put up with it, there is no excuse at all\u2026 and you will be happier\u2026 I can promise you, you will be happier.\u2019<\/em><\/strong> (Jacqui)<\/li>\n<li><em>\u2018You don\u2019t have to be hit to be abused \u2026.ring a helpline.\u2019<\/em> (Sarah)<\/li>\n<li><em>\u2018\u2026Tell somebody you trust \u2026there\u2019s help out there, whether it\u2019s a GP, a parent, or a trusted friend, even just somebody at work, they can see it from another perspective. [My counsellor] opened my eyes to what was actually going on.\u2019<\/em> (Mandy)<\/li>\n<li><em>\u2018Get help even if you have the slightest inkling.\u2019<\/em> (Catherine)<\/li>\n<li>To quote domestic abuse survivor Tina,\u00a0things will get \u2018worse and worse and worse.\u2019 You may not be able to leave the relationship now, but it doesn\u2019t change the fact that you need to leave. If you can\u2019t leave right now, plan for a time when it is safe to do so. Call the helplines, talk to professionals, talk to friends who can provide good support, and work out an escape plan.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li><strong>Create a safety plan.\u00a0<\/strong>A safety plan is your plan to remain safe at all times. Have a survival bag \u2014 with copies of important documents, an extra set of keys, clothes, some money \u2014 that you can grab and leave at any time. Have important contacts on speed dial. Set a code word with your neighbors\/friends that you can use when in trouble. Have an escape route where you can easily get out of the house. Keep weapons and dangerous objects inaccessible. Read: <a href=\"http:\/\/www.thehotline.org\/help\/path-to-safety\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">Create a Safety Plan<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>Resources for domestic abuse:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"http:\/\/www.healthtalk.org\/peoples-experiences\/domestic-violence-abuse\/womens-experiences-domestic-violence-and-abuse\/overview\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">Women\u2019s Experiences of Domestic Violence and Abuse<\/a>\u00a0[Health Talk]<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.helpguide.org\/articles\/abuse\/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">Getting Out of An Abusive Relationship<\/a> [Help Guide]<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"http:\/\/www.thehotline.org\/is-this-abuse\/abuse-defined\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">Is This Abuse? Abuse Defined<\/a> [National Domestic Violence Hotline]<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"http:\/\/www.healthtalk.org\/peoples-experiences\/domestic-violence-abuse\/womens-experiences-domestic-violence-and-abuse\/life-after-domestic-violence-and-abuse-taking-back-control\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">Life after domestic violence and abuse: taking back control<\/a>\u00a0[Health Talk]<\/li>\n<li>Helplines:\n<ul>\n<li>Singapore: Call <a href=\"http:\/\/www.aware.org.sg\/support-services\/helpline\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">the AWARE Helpline<\/a> at 1800 777 5555 (Monday \u2013 Friday, 3pm to 9.30pm)<\/li>\n<li>United States: Call <a href=\"http:\/\/www.thehotline.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">The National Domestic Violence Hotline<\/a>\u00a0(US) at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (toll-free, 24\/7)<\/li>\n<li>United Kingdom: Call <a href=\"http:\/\/www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">the National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline<\/a> (UK) at\u00a00808 2000 247 (24\/7)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>If you are an abuser, you need to stop what you are doing. Read:\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/stop-being-abusive\/\">How To Stop Being Abusive to Your Partner<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>(Image: Silvia Sala) A while back I received an email from my client C: During our recent session, you asked me when was the first <a href=\"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/2017\/10\/05\/im-in-a-domestic-violence-situation-what-should-i-do\/\" class=\"read-more-link\">[Read More&#8230;]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":399,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[21],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/397"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=397"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/397\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":400,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/397\/revisions\/400"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/399"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=397"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=397"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=397"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}