{"id":405,"date":"2016-09-23T15:16:02","date_gmt":"2016-09-23T15:16:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/?p=405"},"modified":"2023-09-06T14:21:00","modified_gmt":"2023-09-06T14:21:00","slug":"what-if-i-lack-physical-spark-with-my-partner","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/2016\/09\/23\/what-if-i-lack-physical-spark-with-my-partner\/","title":{"rendered":"What If I Lack Physical Spark With My Partner?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_56702\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"width: 800px\"><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"size-full wp-image-56702 lazyload\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAAAAACH5BAEKAAEALAAAAAABAAEAAAICTAEAOw==\" alt=\"Couple kissing\" width=\"800\" height=\"533\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" data-src=\"http:\/\/twilia.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/couple-kissing.jpg\" data-srcset=\"http:\/\/twilia.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/couple-kissing.jpg 800w, https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/files\/couple-kissing-400x267.jpg 400w, https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/files\/couple-kissing-200x133.jpg 200w\"><\/p>\n<p class=\"wp-caption-text\">Couple kissing (Image:\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/stevo44\/3004802369\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\">stephen frith<\/a>)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<blockquote>\n<p>\u201cHey Celes, I recently broke up with my boyfriend. He broke up with me because he felt that I didn\u2019t enjoy the physical intimacy (like kissing, hugging or even more) and he didn\u2019t feel appreciated, and was no longer motivated in seeing me due to my behavior.<\/p>\n<p>Truth is, I\u2019m not so much of a physical person\u2026 and it hurts me because I thought we could connect emotionally and support each other through hard times, only to know that he didn\u2019t see me in the same way. He told me that although emotional support is important, he felt that a relationship wouldn\u2019t go long without physical intimacy and he complained the lack of spark between us. I realized that he is in his early 20s so physical intimacy probably\u00a0matters to him\u2026 but\u00a0this\u00a0also made me realize that he didn\u2019t truly love me (and that kinda hurts as well).<\/p>\n<p>May I ask how you dealt with these kind of stuff when you were single? Did any of these issues bother you and your husband? Thank you!\u201d \u2014 Madaline<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>Dear Madaline, I\u2019m so sorry to hear about your breakup. I\u00a0hope that you have been\u00a0healing well and that you have\u00a0already\u00a0read my\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/heartbreak\/\">moving on series<\/a>, where I share\u00a0tips\u00a0on moving on from a\u00a0relationship.<\/p>\n<p>So first off, you should never, ever be pressurized into physical intimacy with your partner. It doesn\u2019t matter how much he wants it or how strongly he feels about it. If your boyfriend wants to be physically intimate but you don\u2019t, it\u2019s a no. Even if he threatens to break up, it\u2019s still a no. If anything, him threatening or changing his tone after you deny him intimacy is a red flag of his priorities and real interest in you.<\/p>\n<p>You didn\u2019t share specifics about the \u201clack of spark\u201d your ex-boyfriend mentioned.<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>Did he want\u00a0more physical intimacy but he didn\u2019t get that? Did he want sexual intimacy (or more of it) but he didn\u2019t get it?<\/li>\n<li>Or did he get physical intimacy, in terms of the kind\u00a0of intimacy and the frequency, but he felt a lack of chemistry during these times?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>Either way, let me address them\u00a0accordingly.<\/p>\n<h2>4 Components of a Relationship<\/h2>\n<p>I see every relationship as having 4 components: Mind, Body, Heart, and Soul.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Mind<\/strong> is intellectual, mental\u00a0compatibility; the ability to share ideas, talk about them.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Heart<\/strong> is emotional compatibility; the ability to open up and be vulnerable, to have shared emotions and to empathize easily with each other.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Soul<\/strong> is spiritual compatibility, which I think is not very relevant for the purpose of this article and is also somewhat abstract, so I\u2019m not going to go into this here.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Body<\/strong> refers to physical compatibility, which includes physical attraction to your partner and sexual compatibility. By physical attraction, I don\u2019t mean \u201clove at first sight\u201d because\u00a0contrary to\u00a0popular\u00a0opinion,\u00a0physical attraction\u00a0<em>can<\/em>\u00a0grow\u00a0over time as you know someone,\u00a0<em>even if\u00a0<\/em>you didn\u2019t\u00a0find the person attractive initially. I wrote about this before here:\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/looks-marriage\/\">Are Looks Important in a Marriage Decision?<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>For any romantic connection to progress, it needs to have compatibility in at least one area \u2014 Mind, Body, Heart, Soul. If there is emotional compatibility, it creates a stable base\u00a0for compatibility to be built in the other areas: mind, body, and\/or soul. Same if there is existing\u00a0mental\u00a0compatibility; it allows for compatibility to be built in the areas of body, heart, and\/or soul. Same for physical compatibility.<\/p>\n<p>Note that I\u2019m referring to\u00a0the potential for a romantic connection to progress,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/should-i-marry-a-guy-i-dont-love\/\">not criteria for marriage<\/a>\u00a0which is a different thing.<\/p>\n<p>So take for example, someone is a strong intellectual fit\u00a0with\u00a0you (mental compatibility) but he is a complete ass. On the other hand, you want a sensitive partner who cares about your feelings. Clearly there is no emotional compatibility here.<\/p>\n<p>But\u00a0perhaps he is a nice person at heart and behind his blunt\u00a0words are good intentions. Maybe he is not aware of <a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/video\/negative-criticism\/\">his bluntness<\/a>, and if given the\u00a0chance, he wants to express\u00a0himself in a more sensitive way. Here, there is potential for emotional compatibility. Even if there is no emotional compatibility now, it doesn\u2019t mean that\u00a0there\u00a0won\u2019t be in the future. So it\u2019s not the end\u00a0of\u00a0this\u00a0connection, and it\u2019s about nurturing\u00a0it\u00a0to see how it can grow.<\/p>\n<p>But what if\u00a0there is both\u00a0emotional and mental compatibility, but no physical compatibility? What should\u00a0you do?<\/p>\n<h2>When There is\u00a0a Lack of Physical Spark<\/h2>\n<p>Three things to note:<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>It depends on how important physical compatibility is to you.<\/li>\n<li>It depends on your immediate \u201cexpectations\u201d for\u00a0this relationship,\u00a0whether you\u2019re looking at it short term or long term.<\/li>\n<li>You have to\u00a0consider that everyone has the ability to grow, so what\u2019s more important is the person\u2019s\u00a0desire to grow and his\/her interest in this area. Just because someone isn\u2019t physically compatible with you now doesn\u2019t mean he\/she won\u2019t be forever.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>So this is where it gets subjective. There are people to whom physical intimacy is very important. They need physical intimacy, they connect with their partners using sex as their language of love and perhaps as a form of release, and they don\u2019t have any notion for or against premarital sex. So for these folks, one-night stands and flings are a norm, and they see sexual intimacy early on in a relationship as normal and necessary. If you are someone who doesn\u2019t care too much about physical intimacy and sex isn\u2019t your primary language of love, and you are with someone who prioritizes sexual intimacy above all things, then this connection is probably not going to work for long (unless one or both of you change in this area).<\/p>\n<p>But then there are people to whom physical intimacy is\u00a0important, but emotional\/mental compatibility is\u00a0even more important. To them, sex\/ physical intimacy is just one component of the relationship, so they focus on looking for a partner with whom they can connect emotionally\/mentally first, before looking at other areas. For such people, they select their partners based on\u00a0their emotional and mental connection first, and then let their physical\u00a0closeness with each other build up naturally, rather than filtering\u00a0people\u00a0based on physical intimacy.<\/p>\n<p>So I have a friend who was with her boyfriend for 3 years before they got married. During their courtship they weren\u2019t sexually intimate, though her boyfriend was previously sexually involved with his exes. They were, however, kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc.. They are now happily married with a kid.<\/p>\n<p>For myself, my primary language of love is not physical touch; it\u2019s communication and words. I like to speak to connect with my partner, to know how he is doing, and to know him on a deeper level. On the other hand, my husband had many relationships in the past and he was pretty much sexually involved with all his past partners, including flings and one-night stands.<\/p>\n<p>But this disparity didn\u2019t\u00a0stop us from connecting deeply. For me, when I asked him what he thought about deferring sex, he said he didn\u2019t care because the connection between us is stronger than what he had\u00a0ever\u00a0felt before. The whole notion of sex\u00a0early on in the relationship, later, after\u00a0marriage, or even never for some bizarre biological reason was a mere triviality. In a different relationship\u00a0he might have been concerned as he had encountered sexual incompatibility issues with some partners before, but\u00a0this concern simply didn\u2019t come up for him with us. He said the whole thought of sex or no sex paled in comparison to what we have. I happen to think his views are a little extreme (no sex forever may be too much I think), but I wanted to share this as a differing point of view from the narrative we always hear (that men are all about sex).<\/p>\n<p>Now I\u2019m not trying to say that sexual intimacy isn\u2019t important. Sexual\/physical intimacy is important, and it is part and parcel of a successful relationship.<\/p>\n<p>Bu sexual\/physical intimacy, for the most part and for most couples, arises out of a strong emotional and mental compatibility. In the cases I\u2019ve looked at,\u00a0couples supposedly dealing with an issue with a lack of physical spark or physical incompatibility are always invariably\u00a0dealing with emotional\/mental compatibility issues of some kind. Even though they may think that\u00a0they are dealing with a unique issue in\u00a0sexual\/physical incompatibility or mismatch in sex drives, there are usually underlying factors causing this issue, usually an incompatibility in other areas.<\/p>\n<p>For example, I knew\u00a0someone who divorced his wife because they didn\u2019t have sex at all in their entire marriage of 3-4 years. While it looked like an issue of physical incompatibility, when I dug deeper, it turned out that there was never a real emotional or intellectual connection from the start, leading to sexual emptiness in the relationship.<\/p>\n<p>It is also important to note that there may be changes in our lives (such as work stress, down periods in life, etc.) that create\u00a0intimacy issues with our partners. This is again linked to emotional and life factors rather than real physical mismatches.<\/p>\n<p>Which brings me to this point:\u00a0<strong>My sense is that the \u201clack of physical spark\u201d is possibly\u00a0not the real reason for your breakup<\/strong>. There is likely a missing compatibility in some other area (emotional, shared visions, shared values, aspirations, whichever it is) that caused physical spark to become an issue and <em>the\u00a0<\/em>issue, hence causing the breakup.<\/p>\n<p>Now, this isn\u2019t a bad thing. Rather I think it\u2019s a good thing that both of you broke up, because the point is that there was some incompatibility that caused \u201cphysical spark\u201d to be an issue. So say you change yourself hugely to fill the gap in \u201cphysical spark\u201d due to your ex\u2019s complaints. Not only would you become a different person from your natural self, but you would also find yourself having to change more things to keep the relationship afloat, to fill up other areas of incompatibility. Or say your ex was truly looking for a lot of physical intimacy and it was the sole and only issue. Then the relationship simply wouldn\u2019t work because that\u2019s not how you naturally are or at least that\u2019s not how you feel when you are around him (and there\u2019s nothing wrong with this).<\/p>\n<h2>How to Build Physical \u201cSpark\u201d<\/h2>\n<p>So how should we deal with situations where there\u2019s really a lack of physical spark,\u00a0but there\u2019s a strong emotional\/mental connection? Like I said, I think most couples dealing with a lack of physical spark or physical incompatibility are really\u00a0dealing with issues with other kinds of compatibility.\u00a0There are exceptions where the gap in physical compatibility is really due to non-relationship factors (like a real biological mismatch or one\u2019s deep-set fear towards physical intimacy), but those are\u00a0the\u00a0exceptions.\u00a0Meaning if someone feels\u00a0a lack of physical spark with their partner, I\u2019d advise to look at the relationship\u00a0fundamentals first vs.\u00a0focusing on\u00a0the physical component\u00a0which is usually the effect.<\/p>\n<p>But say\u00a0you feel emotionally and mentally compatible with someone, and you\u2019re fearful about being physically incompatible with him\/her. What should you do?<\/p>\n<p>Firstly,\u00a0<strong>think of physical intimacy as\u00a0a spectrum, not a binary \u201cyes it\u2019s there, no it\u2019s not there\u201d thing<\/strong>. Meaning, I wouldn\u2019t worry about having instant\u00a0physical\u00a0chemistry with someone from that first act of\u00a0intimacy (kissing, cuddling, etc.), but about building this chemistry over time.<\/p>\n<p>Secondly,\u00a0<strong>think of physical intimacy as having\u00a0many stages<\/strong>. Kissing, hugging, cuddling, french kissing, petting, and so on.\u00a0<strong>Even within each stage there are various degrees of progression.<\/strong> Depending on one\u2019s comfort with physical closeness, some of these stages may only be done after marriage or later on in the\u00a0relationship. Either way,\u00a0you can already work on building chemistry within your range of comfort.\u00a0For example, maybe\u00a0you had a weird first kiss with your partner. Slobbery, wet, weird.\u00a0But adopt a fun-loving, experimental\u00a0mindset\u00a0towards it and allow yourself to keep trying.<\/p>\n<p>After a few tries, and as both of you\u00a0get familiar with each other\u2019s lips and kissing styles, kissing starts to feel normal\u00a0between the both of you, and it starts to become something that you look forward to! Same for hugging, cuddling, french kissing, and any other physical activity.<\/p>\n<p>Thirdly,\u00a0let\u2019s say there is zero connection\u00a0when you kiss, hug, and\u00a0<em>even when you see your partner<\/em>\u00a0\u2014 like you don\u2019t feel excited\/happy at all when you see him\/her. AND, you still don\u2019t feel any connection\u00a0after many\u00a0weeks and\u00a0months of being together. THEN\u00a0yes,\u00a0there may be\u00a0a problem, and\u00a0this is something you should talk\u00a0about\u00a0with your partner, to let him\/her know how you feel, that there\u2019s this issue, to understand the blockage, and so on.<\/p>\n<h2>Endnote<\/h2>\n<p>In short, I wouldn\u2019t worry too much about achieving an instant physical spark with someone\u00a0or having no spark with future romantic prospects, unless you have\u00a0some deeply rooted issues with intimacy (which I don\u2019t think is the case for you, and\u00a0which would be a separate\u00a0thing\u00a0altogether). Physical chemistry and compatibility is something you build with your partner, through open communication, understanding each other\u2019s likes and dislikes, and an openness to explore new things.<\/p>\n<p>Everyone has the ability to grow and develop,\u00a0and one\u2019s physical preference and inclination doesn\u2019t stay fixed forever.\u00a0Also,\u00a0when you love someone and you\u2019re emotionally connected, you will naturally want to be close with him\/her\u00a0vs. forcing yourself to kiss\/ be intimate with him\/her. It\u2019s your role, as much as it\u2019s your partner\u2019s role,\u00a0to build on your\u00a0physical chemistry together vs. it being something that magically happens.<\/p>\n<p>Interestingly, by looking at physical intimacy as something that grows organically and adopting an open and fun-loving\u00a0mindset\u00a0towards it, it\u00a0puts less pressure on you and helps you focus on building your connection with your partner, which\u00a0then provides the\u00a0foundation\u00a0on which\u00a0strong physical intimacy is built on. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n<p>Also read:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/looks-marriage\/\">Are Looks Important in a Marriage Decision?<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/blog\/nervous-attractive-people\/\">I Get Nervous When I See an Attractive Guy\/Woman. What Should I Do?<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Couple kissing (Image:\u00a0stephen frith) \u201cHey Celes, I recently broke up with my boyfriend. He broke up with me because he felt that I didn\u2019t enjoy <a href=\"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/2016\/09\/23\/what-if-i-lack-physical-spark-with-my-partner\/\" class=\"read-more-link\">[Read More&#8230;]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":407,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[21],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/405"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=405"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/405\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":408,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/405\/revisions\/408"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/407"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=405"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=405"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=405"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}