{"id":409,"date":"2016-05-22T05:25:07","date_gmt":"2016-05-22T05:25:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/?p=409"},"modified":"2023-09-06T14:21:01","modified_gmt":"2023-09-06T14:21:01","slug":"how-to-stop-being-abusive-to-your-partner","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/2016\/05\/22\/how-to-stop-being-abusive-to-your-partner\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Stop Being Abusive to Your Partner"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Man<\/p>\n

(Image: Ben Salter<\/a>)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201cDear Celes, I really love reading your blog. You are my role model! I am actively working on revamping and changing my life with the help of your blog.<\/p>\n

Celes, I have a huge problem. I am abusive. I have made it my duty to stop cursing and stop raising my hands to my partner. But yesterday I snapped and hurt my partner again\u00a0\u2014\u00a0I REALLY do not want to do this. I grew up in a household with domestic violence and I wish to be better than that.<\/p>\n

However, my partner frustrates me sometimes and I feel as though she never listens to me\u00a0\u2014\u00a0she always denies her mistakes or apologizes but does not mean it. I feel heartbroken that we are hurting each other. I love her. She has forgiven me but I want this to stop once and for all.<\/p>\n

Your advice will be very much appreciated.\u201d \u2014 Enchanted<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Dear Enchanted, thank you for sending this letter. I want to applaud you for sending in this in\u00a0because it takes courage to seek help on a matter like this. As you know, there is a strong stigma surrounding abuse, for both the victim and the abuser. Yet you have bravely sent in your question and I\u2019ll do my best to assist you.<\/p>\n

Laying Out the Problem<\/h2>\n

Let\u2019s try to break down the problem here:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Your partner frustrates you sometimes.<\/li>\n
  2. In response, you become abusive sometimes, which can include cursing and raising your hands to her.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    On #1, this is understandable. All relationships have their moments of frustration. My husband and I have moments when we frustrate each other too. Usually we handle these in a variety of ways from letting it pass to discussing to arguing, but we always try to resolve them and reach a positive place.<\/p>\n

    But #2 is an issue. Because as much as someone frustrates us, physical violence isn\u2019t the way to handle the situation, whether the person is a stranger or a partner.\u00a0One may\u00a0say that it\u2019s worse when the violence is meted out to your partner because this is someone you love, who trusts you not to inflict harm on him\/her.<\/p>\n

    The good thing is that you recognize that (1) this abuse is a problem and (2) you want to stop it. There are abusers who feel that abusing others is okay and they are entitled to violence against their partner. These people have a separate problem altogether. You clearly do not think that way. So how do we tackle this?<\/p>\n

    Understanding the Source of the\u00a0Physical Abuse<\/h2>\n

    First, let\u2019s understand the source of the abusive behavior. As we have established above, the source isn\u2019t that your partner frustrates you or her frustrating behavior (that she never seems to listen\u00a0to you). There are many couples who\u00a0face problems, including feeling that their partner isn\u2019t listening to them, yet it\u00a0doesn\u2019t result in violence. Or you can put someone else in your position, in this exact situation, and he\/she would probably feel irritated, but not get violent.<\/p>\n

    The source is something else, and we\u2019re here to understand what.<\/p>\n

    Enchanted, you mentioned\u00a0that you grew up in an abusive household and I feel this could well be a strong link to your\u00a0abusive behavior. According to studies,<\/p>\n