{"id":413,"date":"2016-01-22T07:10:57","date_gmt":"2016-01-22T08:10:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/?p=413"},"modified":"2023-09-06T14:21:05","modified_gmt":"2023-09-06T14:21:05","slug":"are-looks-important-in-a-marriage-decision","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/2016\/01\/22\/are-looks-important-in-a-marriage-decision\/","title":{"rendered":"Are Looks Important in a Marriage Decision?"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/p>\n
\n\u201cHi Celes, I\u2019ve read your soulmate series<\/a> on how you met your husband. Would you have married him if you weren\u2019t PHYSICALLY attracted to him? Personally I\u2019ve encountered good\/nice\/okay guys who have expressed their interest, but I rejected them as I was not physically attracted to them.<\/p>\n
My key question is, what if you only like someone\u2019s character but don\u2019t feel physical attraction towards him? Does marriage require physical attraction, or should looks be abandoned?\u201d \u2014 Rachel<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
Have you ever thought if looks are important in a marriage decision? How highly should you value looks when choosing a life partner? Reader Rachel recently sent in this question and I thought to respond via a blog post.<\/p>\n
Marriage is a very personal decision. Some prefer partners who are very good looking, while some don\u2019t. Some like their partners to be fuller while some prefer their partners skinny. Add to the fact that beauty is subjective, it becomes impossible to give this question a definite\u00a0answer.<\/p>\n
But if you ask me, IMO, looks, in the grander scheme of things, should be a secondary criterion. That\u2019s because looks are temporary, while our mind and soul, these are forever.<\/p>\n
My Experience<\/h2>\n
By now most of you would know how I met my husband Ken; if not you can read my soulmate series<\/a> where I detail our journey from how we met to how I knew he is the one.<\/p>\n
So the first time I met him in school, I thought he was very good looking. Tall, well-built, and handsome, he was like a \u201cdream come true\u201d guy for me, though I was never looking for someone good looking. As a\u00a0girl who was very self-inferior then<\/a>, I didn\u2019t think much of myself to think that I could ever have \u201ca chance\u201d with someone with such good looks.<\/p>\n
When we reacquainted nine years later, he still looked good, albeit aged as he had been smoking and drinking so much in the years prior. He has since reversed the damages, looks-wise, after quitting smoking<\/a> and drinking. And then when it came to assessing our compatibility in other areas, he turned out to be\u00a0my\u00a0perfect match, so it became\u00a0a no brainer\u00a0that he is the one\u00a0for me.<\/p>\n
My Husband\u2019s Hair Loss<\/h3>\n
Now the thing is Ken suffers from severe hair loss. (I didn\u2019t talk about this\u00a0before as I didn\u2019t think it was my thing to say, but I\u2019ve checked with him and he says that I can write whatever I want.) Ken has premature\u00a0male-pattern hair loss<\/a>, a condition where men and\u00a0women lose hair at their temples and\/or the top of their scalps. The cause is unknown \u2014 funnily his dad is in his 60s and has tons of hair.<\/p>\n
In Singapore, hair loss is seen as grossly unattractive, shameful, and embarrassing<\/strong>. If you look at the older male celebrities in Singapore compared to the ones in Hollywood, you\u2019ll find that male celebrities in Hollywood have much higher hairlines (Leonardo Dicaprio, Nicholas Cage, Jude Law, Bill Murray) than the celebrities here. Here in Singapore, every male celebrity has lots of hair even in their 50s (Li Nanxing, Terence Cao, Thomas Ong, etc.), and their thick hair is more often than not from hair loss treatments rather than a natural thing. Many male celebrities here are also ambassadors of hair loss companies.<\/p>\n
Add to the fact that many hair loss treatment companies here spend tons of money blasting their ads and create a lot of shame and negativity around hair loss, it perpetuates the idea that hair loss is unacceptable, shameful, disgusting. Among the general public, people generally feel that if you are losing the hair you need to fix this ASAP, even if you have to spend tons of money.<\/p>\n
For Ken,\u00a0the problem wasn\u2019t just that he was losing hair but that he was losing it at a young age<\/strong>.\u00a0Male-pattern hair loss hits\u00a070% of men at some point in their lives, but for him, it started in\u00a0his mid-20s and got really bad in his late 20s. By the time he was 30,\u00a0he had lost over half the hair on his scalp<\/strong>. His hairline had a distinct \u201cM\u201d shape\u00a0and the rest of his hair was very thin.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Male pattern hair loss scale. Ken\u2019s hairline in his late 20s was somewhere between Pattern #2 Class 5 and 6. (Image: Alvi Armani<\/a>)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
Losing\u00a0so much hair so quickly was naturally a saddening experience for him. This wasn\u2019t natural hair loss over decades, but rapid\u00a0hair loss in\u00a0a few years. It made him look much older, like a man in his late 40s, rather than 29-30 which was his real age\u00a0then.\u00a0While he tried to take\u00a0his hair loss\u00a0into stride initially, he eventually saw\u00a0a doctor who prescribed him medicine. This medicine seemed to work well as his hair started to grow back,\u00a0and\u00a0by the time we reacquainted (he was 31 while I was 28), he had regrown most of his hair.<\/p>\n
What If Ken\u00a0Was Balding When I Met Him?<\/h2>\n
Now the thing is, what if his hair never grew back? What if he was almost bald when we reacquainted? Would I have liked him? Would I have considered him romantically?\u00a0Would I\u00a0have married him,\u00a0to quote Rachel\u2019s question?<\/p>\n
First off, this is a strange question to consider as Ken is my husband and we\u2019ve been married for years now. I see him as a core part of my life just like PE is a core part of who I am, and it doesn\u2019t matter if he has a lot of hair, no hair, or if he had a totally different face \u2014 I\u2019d still marry him.<\/p>\n
But if I\u00a0am\u00a0to\u00a0imagine that I don\u2019t know any of this stuff, that I am my 28-year-old single self with no awareness of what we\u2019ve been through<\/span>, and that Ken and I are just meeting for the first time again after years<\/span>, then\u00a0I\u2019d say that I\u2019d be shocked initially.<\/p>\n
\n
- Firstly, I already knew him back\u00a0when he had lots of hair and all,\u00a0so to see him\u00a0balding\u00a0and looking so different after just a few years would be quite surprising.<\/li>\n
- Secondly, when you\u00a0meet\u00a0a date prospect for the first time, you\u2019d generally expect him\/her to at least look his\/her age, sans good looks or smart dressing. I already knew that looks weren\u2019t all that important to me at that time, but I did\u00a0subconsciously expect\u00a0that\u00a0my dates would at least look their age \u2014 plus-minus a few years.\u00a0Since Ken would look more like he was 45 rather than his real age of 31 with so much hair loss,\u00a0this was\u00a0something I\u2019d have to \u201cnormalize\u201d first.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
However, beyond that, I don\u2019t think it\u00a0would\u00a0have changed the outcome of our relationship. Why do I say that?<\/p>\n
Firstly, the reason why I got together with my husband isn\u2019t because of his looks. It\u2019s because of his kindness, openness, reliability, and honesty. I remember being very impressed by him early on when we chatted as he\u00a0was so selfless and giving. That he turned out to be\u00a0very\u00a0intelligent and conscious<\/a>\u00a0was a dream come true for me, so when it came down to whether to marry him, it was clear that he\u00a0is the one for me. Perhaps his looks might have facilitated our connection at the beginning, as having someone who looks attractive\u00a0to you would naturally pique your interest in a romantic way, but without all his other traits, our friendship would never have advanced to anywhere near\u00a0relationship level.<\/p>\n
The second and more important thing I want to say is something that I teach in Soulmate Journey<\/em>, my course on finding love. During Soulmate Journey<\/em>, I ask my participants\u00a0to think about the kind of partner they\u2019d like to\u00a0have when they\u2019re 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, and 100.<\/p>\n
So imagine yourself at these individual ages. What qualities would you look for at each age? And what are the common qualities you would look for in a partner across all ages?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
What would you look for in an ideal partner when you\u2019re 30?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
<\/p>\n
\u2026how about when you\u2019re 40? \u202650? \u202660?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
<\/p>\n
\u2026or when you\u2019re 70? \u202680? \u202690? \u2026or 100?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
While there are traits that may seem important at particular phases of our life \u2014 for example, looks would probably rank higher when we\u2019re 20 or 30 \u2014 chances are there are traits that continually appear throughout each age group, such as empathy, reliability, caringness, and so on. These are the real qualities to look out for in a life partner, vs. qualities that matter to you only right now. <\/strong>That\u2019s because the latter group is transient, but the former reflects your real needs in a partner.<\/p>\n
So\u00a0when I thought about this question, I realized that the most important things to me in a partner whether I\u2019m 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, or even 100 are someone who is (1)\u00a0kind and (2) committed to his growth. These are qualities that matter most to me and\u00a0that I strive to uphold, and hence qualities I\u2019d like my life partner to have too.<\/p>\n
My husband met this in every way possible<\/strong>,\u00a0<\/strong>and after we got together, the way he would always be there for me, be patient and supportive towards everything I say\/do, and be caring, reliable, open, and trustworthy in just about everything made it clear that this is the man I see myself with for life. That he\u2019s good looking and all that were not even vague factors of consideration. Marriage is a life-long thing and physical looks will fade away with time, just as celebrities come and go when their looks fade. There will be a day when both of us will be old and wrinkly, but who he is as a person? This is who I\u2019ll live with forever.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Now say if Ken was really ugly (as defined by society) or he was seriously balding when we met. Perhaps I might be hesitant to date him initially out of fear of how others would perceive me. I was 28 then and others would generally expect that I should date someone who looked my age. That I have a public profile due to my work didn\u2019t help \u2014 many people were already scrutinizing who I\u2019d date and whether that guy would be attractive (since that\u2019s the most immediately observable part of a person).<\/p>\n
However, as we interacted more as friends,\u00a0I would inevitably feel more drawn to him because of the strength of his soul, his intelligence, and all his\u00a0other great traits\u00a0\u2014 kindness, compassion, generosity, authenticity, etc. I would gradually be warmed by his heart and kindness, which was what touched me about him\u00a0at first. I\u2019d start to see how attractive he is as a person, with or without hair, with or without conventional good looks. I\u2019d start to realize that he is actually very attractive the way he is and admire his features and look for what they are. I\u2019d also start to realize that my fears were more vanity-driven fears, borne from living in a material world<\/a> like\u00a0Singapore.<\/p>\n
And I\u2019m sure I\u2019d start to fall in love with him anyway, just like how I did in real life.<\/p>\n
Physical Attraction<\/h2>\n
<\/p>\n
To set the record straight, I\u2019m not negating the role of physical attraction in a relationship. It\u2019s important to be physically attracted to your partner. It\u2019s important that you find your partner attractive as he\/she is.\u00a0If not, there may be issues later on\u00a0not wanting to be physically intimate with your partner<\/a> after marriage, being physically repulsed by him\/her as you see\u00a0him\/her\u00a0day after day, and so on.<\/p>\n
However, I\u2019ve found that initial physical attraction\u00a0is usually the result of conditioning since young. For example, perhaps you were taught to perceive X look as beautiful or handsome, and hence you gravitate towards guys\/girls who look that way growing up. Perhaps you were taught to perceive Y look as attractive, and therefore you gravitate to guys\/girls with Y look.<\/p>\n
Yet, physical attraction isn\u2019t something set in stone<\/strong>. In my experience, I\u2019ve found that\u00a0physical attraction (or non-attraction) towards someone can change over time, and it\u2019s usually molded by the person\u2019s character, heart, and soul<\/strong>.<\/p>\n
I have in various instances\u00a0found very attractive men repulsive looking after discovering a very ugly trait about them, such as them being very materialistic, judgmental, or fake<\/span>.<\/p>\n
I have (in the past) also\u00a0met guys whom I felt were totally unattractive but later on grew to like them and actually found them\u00a0very\u00a0good looking \u2014 more so than conventionally attractive guys<\/span>.<\/p>\n
Of course, those connections\u00a0didn\u2019t\u00a0work out, and I\u2019m glad they didn\u2019t because I\u2019d never have found my true soulmate otherwise.<\/p>\n
To You<\/h2>\n
Now I understand some of you\u00a0may have a preference for a certain type or look and you\u00a0won\u2019t find someone attractive unless he\/she matches this type or look. That\u2019s perfectly understandable.<\/p>\n
All I ask is that you be more open-minded in how you perceive someone\u2019s looks<\/strong>.\u00a0Beauty comes in all forms, shapes, sizes, and colors<\/a>, and the reason we would perceive someone as attractive or not right away is because of how\u00a0we\u2019ve been conditioned to see beauty. However, if we would be more open in how we perceive beauty, I\u2019m sure we\u2019ll start to see beauty in all kinds of looks: tall or short, muscular or \u201cscrawny,\u201d sharp chin or round chin, double eyelids or mono eyelids, tall nose or round nose, sharp face or round face.<\/p>\n
If\u00a0you\u00a0currently\u00a0know someone who has a nice personality but you don\u2019t find him\/her attractive, don\u2019t rule out this connection just yet.\u00a0Here\u2019s what I recommend:<\/p>\n
\n
- Get to know him\/her better as a person.<\/strong>\u00a0All great romantic connections tend to start off as friendships. As opposed to judging this person by his\/her looks at the onset, I suggest you look at him\/her as just\u00a0a friend you\u2019re trying to get to know more\u00a0first. This way, you can focus more on the connection as opposed to focusing on\u00a0his\/her looks.\u00a0Spend some time to chat with him\/her. Hang out as friends. Get to know him\/her better.<\/li>\n
- Invite him\/her to group outings.<\/strong>\u00a0If you feel awkward going out solo with the person too often, invite him\/her to group outings where both of you can meet other people while hanging\u00a0out together\u00a0at the same time. This will allow you to see other aspects of him\/her too as he\/she interacts with other people.<\/li>\n
- Explore\u00a0areas of commonality.<\/strong>\u00a0Do you have any common interests? Explore them. If you have\u00a0any new goals, activities you want to explore, share with him\/her and invite him\/her along too. You want to build on your commonalities together and see if there is potential for this connection to go further.<\/li>\n
- Broaden your definition\u00a0of beauty.<\/strong>\u00a0As I mentioned,\u00a0true beauty comes in all\u00a0forms, shapes, sizes, and colors<\/a>.\u00a0If you really don\u2019t find this person attractive in\u00a0any<\/em>\u00a0way, then try and see the person for who he\/she is and how he\/she looks, without mentally benchmarking him\/her to certain images of beauty. There is beauty in every physical feature and look. We just need to learn to see that. Read this article:\u00a0The Beauty of Self<\/a><\/li>\n
- Assess your connection over time.<\/strong>\u00a0After some time together, assess your connection.\u00a0Do you see the potential for this to develop, be it as a friendship or romantic relationship?\n
If yes, then continue to nurture it and see where it goes. There\u2019s no need to put a timeline such as, \u201cI\u2019m going to cut this person away if I don\u2019t feel attracted to him\/her in 3 months.\u201d Even if you don\u2019t feel attracted or romantically interested in this person, keep him\/her as a friend. (Unless you\u2019re not even interested to have him\/her as a friend \u2014 then let him\/her go.) Many great relationships develop organically. I know a couple who only fell in love with each other\u00a0after 1 year of being good friends. Before that, they were always only going out as friends, enjoying each other\u2019s company, and\u00a0never thought of each other as romantic prospects at all. In fact, they were the opposite of what they were looking for in a romantic partner.<\/p>\n
On the other hand, if this person is not even compatible with you as a friend and you\u2019re not interested to stay in touch at all, then\u00a0let him\/her go<\/a>. There\u2019s no need to force something to happen. Think of it as a necessary step to attract more of the right people into your life.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
All the 10 tips in 10 Steps To Attract Authentic Love<\/a> will apply as well.<\/p>\n
As for my husband, his hair loss has slowly returned as we agreed for him to stop taking his hair loss medication. That\u2019s because I don\u2019t think that it\u2019s healthy to take any medication on an ongoing basis, especially if it\u2019s voluntary vs. being medically required. It doesn\u2019t matter as balding is just a different look, just like having a lot of hair is another look. Either way, he\u2019ll always be attractive to me. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
Much love to your love journey, and let me know how everything goes! \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
(Images: Dating<\/a>, Young couple<\/a>, Middle-age couple<\/a>, Elderly couple<\/a>,\u00a0Guy at bar<\/a>)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"