![\"Woman](\"http:\/\/twilia.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/02\/woman-in-crowd.jpg\")
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Years ago, I was at a London pub with an acquaintance-friend, just hanging out. We were talking about relationships (both of us were single), and he asked me how many relationships I had been in before. I was 27 then.<\/p>\n
\u201cNone,\u201d I said earnestly.<\/p>\n
His face paled.\u00a0\u201c\u2026None?\u201d he repeated. \u201cLike you\u2019ve never been in a relationship before?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYep, been single my whole life,\u201d I chirped, while ignoring\u00a0the grave\u00a0look on his face.\u00a0I had been in a couple of short-term relationships up till then, but they were high-school trivialities\u00a0that lasted no more than 1\u20132 weeks so they didn\u2019t count. While I had been on dates and had been in budding romances before, none of them culminated to anything, so\u00a0I regarded myself as\u00a0always single.<\/p>\n
The\u00a0acquaintance paused. He\u00a0took\u00a0a sip from his drink, almost as if he needed\u00a0to\u00a0regain composure\u00a0from what he just heard. Then he said, \u201cYou know, take it as a friend giving advice. When meeting guys next time,\u00a0especially guys you like, don\u2019t\u00a0tell them what you just told me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d I asked, trying not to look\u00a0insulted and hurt.\u00a0\u201cLike don\u2019t tell guys that I\u2019ve always been single?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. Don\u2019t say\u00a0you\u2019ve never been in a relationship. Give\u00a0any number, one or two. Just not zero.\u201d<\/p>\n
I paused, trying to hide my incredulous look while cautiously piecing together a diplomatic response. \u201cBut I\u2019m not going to lie<\/em>\u00a0and tell people\u00a0that\u00a0I\u2019ve been in relationships when I haven\u2019t. That\u2019s not who I am<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n He shrugged. \u201cYeah, but if you tell guys that you\u2019ve always been single, it\u2019s not going to help<\/a>. Trust me, I\u2019m a guy. And I have\u00a0many guy\u00a0friends.\u201d<\/p>\n The conversation quickly shifted to something else, but I remembered feeling slighted as a\u00a0woman when we departed that evening. Lie about my singlehood? Why? Why should I have to hide my relationship history? Why should it be something to be ashamed about?\u00a0<\/em>It didn\u2019t help that my acquaintance-friend\u00a0was a presentable guy in his 30s, which left me wondering if\u00a0there were really other guys who would think this way too.<\/p>\n Fast forward three years, and I\u2019ve since met and married my soulmate<\/a>. And no, I never had to lie or present a front<\/a>, because I\u2019ve always known that this isn\u2019t the right way to attract real love.\u00a0Games will only get you so far<\/a>; real love is\u00a0much grander than that.<\/p>\n While I\u2019m now married, I remain passionate about helping singles to attract the love they deserve. That\u2019s why I\u2019m currently running a course Soulmate Journey<\/em><\/a> to help singles attract the love they deserve. If you\u2019re a single, you\u2019ve probably been subjected to scrutiny and negative judgment from others due to your singlehood\u2013and I want you to know\u00a0that I FEEL YOU<\/strong>! As liberal our society has become, there are still many myths about single people today I want to burst with a pitchfork. Some are backward; some are plain untrue. Here are six common lies that singles are told regularly \u2014 can you relate to them?<\/p>\n Have you ever felt that\u00a0people lessen your worth just because you\u2019re single? After all, everything in life comes in pairs. Our eyes, ears, lips, hands, legs, lungs, and kidneys. Being attached\/married has always been seen as the de facto of life. To be single, not so much.<\/p>\n So when people see that you\u2019re single, especially when you\u2019re at or past marriageable age, some mentally discount your worth. Some assume you must be undesirable. Some wonder if there\u2019s something wrong with you causing you to\u00a0remain single even at your age.<\/p>\n But hey,\u00a0is this true though? No, not\u00a0really. Some singles may be single because they are choiceful about who to enter a relationship with. For example, I was single for so long because I didn\u2019t want to get into a relationship with just any good\u00a0guy, but someone I have a connection with. It took me 28 years to find my life\u2019s true match, and as it turns out,\u00a0this relationship is the only romantic relationship I need to be in.\u00a0\ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n For others, they may be prioritizing their careers or self-development currently. Then you have singles\u00a0may just prefer to\u00a0be single for now.\u00a0Just because someone is single doesn\u2019t mean he\/she is undesirable; in fact, there are many very eligible singles out there, waiting\u00a0to meet their\u00a0\u201cone\u201d!<\/p>\n Here\u2019s the thing, and this may be an unpopular opinion:\u00a0it is true that some singles have\u00a0inner blocks that prevent them from getting attached. I shared about my own blocks<\/a> before in\u00a0my soulmate series<\/a>, which included feeling I wasn\u2019t good enough and fear of being hurt. For other singles, their blocks can be\u00a0past failed relationships causing them to lose faith in love<\/a>, also feeling they\u2019re not good enough, lack of self-confidence<\/a>, negative<\/a> self-image<\/a>, negative childhood stories<\/a>, or even their own\u00a0skepticism about love.<\/p>\n This collective mix of blocks\u00a0leads to what I call the \u201csinglehood aura\u201d \u2014 an invisible \u201cshield\u201d\u00a0that blocks\u00a0singles from finding\u00a0real love. (More on the singlehood aura and how to bust it in Soulmate Journey<\/em><\/a>.)<\/p>\n Now, the problem with this stigma is that it connotes that singles are broken, incomplete beings who\u00a0need a relationship to be whole, and that they are failures for not being with someone. That ain\u2019t true at all. Not true at all.<\/p>\n When I say \u201cissues,\u201d I\u2019m referring to blocks that any human being \u2014 you, me, your mom, my mom, the president, Tony Robbins, Oprah Winfrey \u2014 has. All of us have issues to work through, but this doesn\u2019t make us any less\u00a0complete\u00a0than others. Single people have issues, attached couples have issues, and so do married couples.\u00a0Everyone has \u201cstuff\u201d to work through, no matter who you are.\u00a0(When you consider that there are many married folks out there cheating on their other halves\u00a0behind their backs<\/a>, suddenly it\u2019s clear that some couples probably have more \u201cstuff\u201d to deal with\u00a0than some singles.)<\/p>\n Know that you are complete<\/a>, and your singlehood isn\u2019t a problem in itself. We are all in our individual paths and some of us attract love sooner while some later. While love will 100%\u00a0elevate your life to the next level, it starts with you first recognizing you are a complete\u00a0as yourself.<\/p>\n It\u2019s good to have high expectations. But when you\u2019re single and past marriageable age, some people, especially older adults, chide you for having overly high expectations. \u201cStop being so picky,\u201d they say. \u201cLower your expectations and settle with a decent guy\/girl, or you may not find anyone anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n Do singles have overly high expectations? Actually yes, some do. Some have\u00a0ridiculous\u00a0ideologies about how their partner should be like, from knowing how to climb mountains, to being witty and able to make them laugh, to knowing how to cook, to loving dogs, to belonging a certain faith.\u00a0Now individually these traits are sound, but when combined, suddenly it becomes near impossible to find anyone that matches anything on your list.<\/p>\n However, I\u2019ve found that such singles with fairy-tale ideologies aren\u2019t common. Instead, the problem I\u2019ve found with\u00a0most singles isn\u2019t that they have\u00a0high\u00a0<\/em>expectations, but that they have\u00a0wrong\u00a0<\/em>expectations. What do I mean? Clue: What most people think is what\u00a0they want usually isn\u2019t what they really want. That\u2019s why they keep having problems finding their ideal mate \u2014 because they aren\u2019t even looking at the right place for the right things! Hence, it isn\u2019t about lowering\u00a0<\/em>your expectations which will only make you miserable in the long run (because you\u2019ll just be \u201csettling\u201d then and repressing your real wants), but clarifying your real wants.\u00a0(I\u00a0share\u00a0more on how to deep-dive and identify\u00a0your ideal partner in\u00a0Soulmate Journey<\/em><\/a>.)<\/p>\n In terms of relationships, high-maintenance means\u00a0being\u00a0emotionally needy and having a lot of expectations. This term is usually used to describe women. Some men seem to think that if a woman has always been single, she must be a crazy, clingy woman when attached. After all, she doesn\u2019t have much relationship experience, so she\u2019s going to be\u00a0too *into* me after we become attached. It\u2019s going to be difficult for me to break up with her later on. Better steer clear<\/em>, is what some guys may\u00a0think. Some may assume that since the woman is single, it\u2019s probably because she is too demanding\u00a0and hence hasn\u2019t been able to get together with anyone.<\/p>\n Clingy = How a koala bear is to a tree<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Well, I can see truths here and there. Indeed, some longstanding singles can be very independent before a relationship, but suddenly turn the 180 degree and become very high-strung, sensitive, and possessive\u00a0after getting together with someone. Some singles do have crazy expectations (see Stigma #3) which prevents them from being happy\u00a0with anyone. Sometimes it\u2019s just a path that one has to\u00a0get through as he\/she works out his\/her relationship needs and the role of a relationship in his\/her life.<\/p>\n Yet, \u201cemotional neediness\u201d can\u00a0happen for girls\u00a0and guys, including those\u00a0who\u2019ve been in many relationships before. For example, I knew a\u00a0friend\u2019s friend\u00a0who would go psycho and\u00a0tell his friends about how his girlfriend was cheating on him etc. when she didn\u2019t reply to his calls\/texts. (No, I\u2019m not joking.)\u00a0This would happen for each girlfriend he was with, though I don\u2019t know if he has worked through this issue internally.\u00a0(And he prides himself at\u00a0being a pick-up artist and teaches men how to pick up women\u00a0\u2014 go figure?)<\/p>\n Clearly, clinginess in a relationship\u00a0is more dependent on the person than a person\u2019s relationship history. Some singles remain extremely independent even after getting into a relationship, because they had so much space to come into their own prior to getting together with someone.\u00a0I\u00a0was never clingy or emotional needy after I got together with my boyfriend \/ now-husband (in fact I remained quite independent for a while before shifting to interdependence), and it\u2019s the same for my longstanding single friends when they got together with their boyfriends \/ now-husbands. So,\u00a0to each his\/her own.<\/p>\n According to Dictionary.com<\/a>, desperate means \u201chaving an urgent need, desire,\u201d \u201cactuated by a feeling of hopelessness.\u201d In terms of dating, I see desperate as\u2026<\/p>\n Desperate ISN\u2019T<\/p>\n Some singles are desperate, yes. But many aren\u2019t. Just because someone is single, and out there meeting singles and joining singles\u2019 events, doesn\u2019t mean he\/she is desperate. There\u2019s a difference between being proactive<\/em> and desperate<\/em> in love, and it\u2019s time to toss outdated views out of the window\u00a0including \u201clove should happen naturally\u201d and \u201cI should leave love to fate (and not do anything about it).\u201d<\/p>\n Now I may be biased since I\u2019m female, but I feel\u00a0females tend to be more stigmatized for being single than males. It\u2019s really true, especially in Asia.<\/p>\n For example, here\u00a0females tend to be seen as most eligible when they\u2019re in their 20s, because\u00a0that\u2019s when they are (a)\u00a0most attractive\u00a0(as defined by the society), and (b) more likely to bear children. As they enter their 30s, late 30s, and beyond, they tend to \u201cdepreciate\u201d in their value as a mate. It\u2019s why dating agencies in Singapore generally accept\u00a0females up\u00a0to\u00a0their early 30s<\/a>. (In fact joining *only* when you\u2019re in your early 30s may even be too late because girls in their 20s are preferred due to the above reason.)\u00a0Older than that\u00a0and\u00a0you\u2019ll probably be rejected. It\u2019s not that the agencies stigmatize these women, but\u00a0that such women simply aren\u2019t in demographics that their male clientele is\u00a0looking for.<\/p>\n On the other hand, men tend to be seen as eligible even when they\u2019re in\u00a0their 30s, 40s, and beyond. Think\u00a0George Clooney, who was constantly named as America\u2019s most eligible bachelor up till he got married last year at the age of 53<\/em>. There\u2019s Leonardo Dicarprio\u00a0who, despite being 40, shows no signs of settling down as he changes supermodel girlfriends more often than I drink coffee. And there\u2019s Donald Trump, who married for the third time in 2005\u00a0at the age of 59<\/em>, with Slovenian model Melania Knauss (who was 35 then).<\/p>\n And should I mention Hugh Hefner, founder of\u00a0Playboy Enterprises, who recently re-married in 2012 at the age of 85? And his wife? She was 25 then, and 28 as of 2015. (She\u2019s even younger than me.)<\/p>\n But, this whole \u201cleft on the shelf\u201d thing? I think it\u2019s baloney and should be thrown out of the window, because it\u2019s an outdated view that only creates pressure on single women to\u00a0marry quickly while young, leading to them being in relationships with someone they don\u2019t love<\/a>. This later leads to marital troubles, cheating, affairs, divorce, and what have you. (And that\u2019s why you have services like Ashley Madison popping out of the woodwork.)<\/p>\n Yes sure,\u00a0a woman\u2019s fertility decreases in her early 30s and rapidly after 35. But there are women who have children in their late 30s. And not all couples need to have children; some already have children from previous relationships. And if you\u2019re past the child-bearing age, there\u2019s always adoption, and there are many orphaned kids there are out there who can do with a home. Lest you think adoption is only for women who can\u2019t have babies, think again. We have Katherine Heigl<\/a>, who has two beautiful adopted children with her husband. (She adopted them when she was 30 and 33.) We have Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt<\/a>, who have six children together \u2014 3\u00a0adopted, 3\u00a0biological.<\/p>\n My take is that everyone has a different love journey. Some meet their mate in high school. Some meet him\/her in their 20s. Some in their 30s. Some meet their soulmate in their 40s, or even 50s and beyond. Just because a lady isn\u2019t attached\/married yet doesn\u2019t mean she is doomed to be left on the shelf. There is a love story for every one of us, as long as we open ourselves and take the step to make it happen.<\/p>\n Be sure to read these articles:<\/p>\n Update Feb 28<\/strong>: Class is now full and registration is closed! For those who signed up, I look forward to working with you soon! \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n (Image: Woman in crowd<\/a>, Sad girl<\/a>, Koala bear<\/a>, Bookshelf<\/a>)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Myth #1: You are undesirable<\/h2>\n
Myth #2: You have issues<\/h2>\n
![\"Sad](\"http:\/\/twilia.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/02\/girl-sad2.jpg\")
<\/p>\nMyth #3: Your expectations are too high<\/h2>\n
Myth #4: You are high-maintenance<\/h2>\n
![\"Koala](\"http:\/\/twilia.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/02\/koala-bear.jpg\")
<\/p>\nMyth #5: You\u2019re desperate<\/h2>\n
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Myth #6: You\u2019ll be left on the shelf (for ladies)<\/h2>\n
![\"Bookshelf\"](\"http:\/\/twilia.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/02\/bookshelf.jpg\")
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Now Open: Soulmate Journey to Help You Find Love!<\/del><\/h2>\nI\u2019m conducting\u00a0an all-new soulmate course to help YOU attract your soulmate, just like I have. If you\u2019re a serious single who is ready to find love, this program is for you.\u00a0I\u00a0have been planning this\u00a0day and night (my husband can attest to this; this is all that I keep talking about), and I can\u2019t wait to\u00a0work with you guys!\u00a0Read:\u00a0Soulmate Journey Course, to Attract Your Highest Love!<\/a><\/del><\/p>\n