{"id":438,"date":"2014-09-17T10:04:34","date_gmt":"2014-09-17T10:04:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/?p=438"},"modified":"2023-09-06T14:21:11","modified_gmt":"2023-09-06T14:21:11","slug":"im-getting-married-and-im-afraid-of-my-wife-seeing-my-private-parts-help","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/2014\/09\/17\/im-getting-married-and-im-afraid-of-my-wife-seeing-my-private-parts-help\/","title":{"rendered":"I\u2019m Getting Married and I\u2019m Afraid of My Wife Seeing My Private Parts. Help?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Ashamed<\/p>\n

(Image: Robby McKee<\/a>)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

Dear\u00a0Celes,<\/p>\n

I am a 25-year-old man. I am facing the biggest crisis in my life as I am going to get married. My brief background would make it clear.<\/p>\n

When I was a kid, around 10, my female cousin (around the same age) and I would\u00a0sleep together. On one such occasion, her hand accidentally touched my thigh and she felt something bulging. She asked me what it was. In my child-like, innocent enthusiasm I opened my shorts and she saw my erect p****. She got excited and started rocking it, saying that she had now\u00a0seen\u00a0my \u2018shame-shame.\u2019 Later, in the same excitement, she told all this to her mother as though it were some achievement on her part! For this, both of us got a good spanking with a warning that it is shameful for boys and girls to see the \u201cshame-shame\u201d of one another.<\/p>\n

As I grew older, I saw the same notion being reinforced in various situations. But the situation I am going to get into \u2014 marriage \u2014 demands that this shame be considered desirable, in the name of sex! And till now I have no idea how a grown-up girl\/young lady will\u00a0react on seeing a p****. Pray tell me whether she would feel shameful, angry, shocked or worse still, mock my shame-shame.<\/p>\n

How do I even hope to face the \u2018blasphemous\u2019 prospect of her having to touch it with her hand? I do not see any escape from this situation I\u2019m about to enter.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Ka (Not real name)<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Hi Ka, usually I don\u2019t discuss sexual topics on PE because I want to create a family-friendly, G-rated environment here. However after reading your question, I think it\u2019s important that I address it. Firstly, I don\u2019t see this as a sexual question but more of a personal development situation tied to\u00a0a sexual situation. Secondly, I think it\u2019s precisely because many people, especially those in conservative cultures, avoid discussing\/understanding sexual topics openly\u00a0that results in predicaments like this. This is unfortunate, so my aim of featuring this question today is to create a conscious conversation around your predicament \u2014 one that many others, especially those in\u00a0traditional cultures, are probably facing.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re a young teen or a parent whose\u00a0kids are reading PE, know that exposure\u00a0to this topic (discussion about private parts, sexual organs and the like) is inevitable, and that it\u2019s better that you and\u00a0your child read\u00a0 \u00a0about it here first as opposed to growing up with an undeveloped understanding about it and learning things the hard way later.<\/p>\n

Showering with My Brother<\/h2>\n

Perhaps I best start off with\u00a0a\u00a0childhood story.<\/p>\n

Some of you may have read from\u00a0some of<\/a> my<\/a>\u00a0articles<\/a> that I have an elder brother. While my brother and I care for each other, we pretty much don\u2019t talk, sort of like how things used to be with me and my parents<\/a>. It\u2019s been this way since we were kids, and if I were to trace it down to an incident, I would say it was when I was in Primary\/Grade 3 (and my brother was in Primary\/Grade 5; he\u2019s two years older than me), and when my mom yelled at us and rebuked us very harshly\u2026 after she caught us showering together (in a sibling way of course).<\/p>\n

Now, the thing is that up until then, we were really close. Super close. Showering together was a normality for us\u00a0then; it was fun and we would play around and splash water at each other etc. So when my mom rebuked us that day, I didn\u2019t understand why. Neither did my brother, I think. Subsequently whenever I invited my brother to shower, he would say that we shouldn\u2019t\u00a0and that we would get scolded by mom later. I would be disappointed and took it as my brother not wanting to spend time with me anymore. Over time, we began to distance, and then the internet boom happened, and almost all every kid\u00a0in the world began to recede into his\/her bubble\u00a0with IRC chat and what not.<\/p>\n

Was my mom at fault? No, not at all. When I later reflected on the incident as an adult, I realized why she did what she did. It was a normal thing that most moms would have done. If I were her, I probably would have freaked out too, though I would have counseled my kids and explained why.<\/p>\n

Growing Up with Fears of My Future Boyfriend\/Husband\u00a0Seeing My (Naked) Body<\/h2>\n

Now, fast forward to\u00a0many years later. I grew up from kid-Celes to adult-Celes.<\/p>\n

As adult-Celes, I sometimes worried about the day I\u00a0would have a boyfriend \/ be physically close with a guy, because\u00a0of my fear about how the guy would perceive my body\/private parts\/etc. This had nothing to do with the childhood incident above\u00a0but rather my own negative body image<\/a> due to media\/societal conditioning and what now. This is something I shared in my\u00a0body image series<\/a>\u00a0and have since overcome. My\u00a0negative self-body-image encompassed my entire body and naturally included my private parts as well since they are part of my body.<\/p>\n

\"Pulling<\/p>\n

I used to have a negative body image, as shared in my body image<\/a> series (Image: Vadim Pacev<\/a>)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

So I would occasionally worry\u00a0that I wouldn\u2019t be appealing\u00a0or attractive enough to my future boyfriend, whoever he might be, and that I needed to keep my body in tip-top shape\u00a0\u2014\u00a0like being physically svelte, going for brazilian hair removal, shaving, having minimal body hair, etc. \u2014 to mitigate my concerns and also out of personal hygiene\u00a0and self-care.<\/p>\n

And then I got\u00a0together with Ken (who is now my husband<\/a>), and\u00a0realized that all my fears for all these years were\u00a0unfounded.<\/p>\n

All my\u00a0concerns, fears, shame, etc. I\u2019ve ever had about my body, he doesn\u2019t share them at all<\/em>. In fact he thinks it\u2019s ridiculous that I could ever have any of this thought, and to him I\u2019m the most perfect and beautiful girl with the most perfect body that he can ever want in a\u00a0woman. While I had previously busted a lot of my negative body image and concerns, being with him\u00a0made me further realize that\u00a0whatever fears and concerns\u00a0I had about my body are totally silly, stupid, out of place, and were every bit false and in my mind.<\/p>\n

Our Shame and Fears\u00a0about Our Private Parts \/ Body<\/h2>\n

My point of sharing these experiences with you\u00a0Ka is that whatever fears we have about our own body \/ sexuality<\/a> \/ private parts are likely unfounded, ridiculous, and based on nothing but long-held cultural-yet-nonsensical beliefs. If we break down your current predicament,<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. You feel ashamed about your private parts on a certain level.<\/li>\n
  2. You are not sure how a grown-up female would perceive a male\u2019s privates; likely negatively as that seems to be the default\u00a0view of your culture and your understanding of how females were raised.<\/li>\n
  3. You are getting married soon and you\u2019ll soon enter\u00a0this inevitable situation where a female, your wife, will see\/touch your privates, whether out of desire (physical\u00a0intimacy) or necessity (to have kids).<\/li>\n
  4. You are afraid your soon-to-be wife will feel negatively or even mock you about your private parts.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Notice how these four fears\/concerns\u00a0are based on nothing but the notion that\u00a0it is shameful for males and females to see each other\u2019s private parts? A notion that\u2019s part of an age-old belief\u00a0(I\u2019m guessing you\u2019re from India\u00a0based on what you\u2019ve shared and your name which I didn\u2019t reveal here\u00a0\u2014\u00a0from my experience, this thinking is prevalent in more traditional\u00a0Asian cultures but not so much in western countries), but a notion all the same.<\/p>\n

    And how did this notion come about? Probably decades\u00a0or centuries ago, when a bunch of people decided that unmarried males\/females seeing each others\u2019 private parts should be\u00a0considered taboo because of possible implications like triggering of lust, unplanned\/unprotected sex, underage sex, unwanted pregnancies, or even rape. And this belief, this taboo,\u00a0might have come about because there were real cases of such things happening \u2014 meaning it started with a positive intent\u00a0\u2014 so people started thinking\u00a0\u201cIt is shameful for opposite genders\u00a0to see each others\u2019 private parts.\u201d Subsequently perhaps this belief degraded to \u201cOur private parts are shameful objects that cannot be seen by the opposite gender or anyone at all\u201d and even possibly \u201cWe are shameful for having private parts.\u201d Of course, religious views and conservative cultural views might have\u00a0played a role too.<\/p>\n

    Our Bodies\/Private Parts \u2013 Nothing to be Ashamed About!<\/h2>\n

    If we look at the male and female bodies\u00a0objectively, there is nothing to be ashamed about them \u2014 any part of it. Our bodies are a natural part of the world. For\u00a0those of us who are religious, our bodies were created by God; for those of us who are non-religious,\u00a0our bodies are simply a natural creation of the universe. Why on earth should there be anything to be feared, shamed, mocked, scorned, or sneered\u00a0about our bodies, when they are really\u00a0the holy temples of our minds, hearts, and\u00a0souls?<\/strong><\/p>\n

    Hence, if you feel shameful about your body in any way Ka, don\u2019t. Because there is nothing to feel shameful about it. The only reason why any of us would feel shameful\u00a0about\u00a0our body, any part of it, is because of\u00a0our\u00a0childhood stories<\/a>\u00a0\u2014 stories where we were told when we were young that our body or\u00a0private parts are\u00a0disgusting, taboo, unworthy, unholy, unsightly, undesirable, undeserving, or even unnatural. And that\u2019s why we\u00a0then grow up perceiving them\u00a0as such.<\/p>\n

    In your case, it could well be that spanking and scolding incident you got when you were young. For others, it could be a different situation. Either case, childhood stories can be rewritten, as I\u2019ve shared in my childhood stories article<\/a>. It\u2019s about\u00a0identifying the incident(s)\u00a0that has\/have impacted you, uncovering the beliefs that you formulated from the incident(s), challenging them, and then correcting them. I recommend to read the article and apply the steps to slowly release yourself from the chains of your past or even your society. Just because the people around you and your society think that opposite genders seeing each other\u2019s private parts or even that private parts are shameful doesn\u2019t mean that you need to carry this belief.<\/p>\n

    How about Your Wife?<\/h2>\n

    As for your soon-to-be wife, the same thing applies.<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Maybe she feels the same way as you \u2014 grossed by the thought that she will have to see a male\u2019s private parts soon. She may feel angry, shocked, and outraged that she would have to go through this \u201critual\u201d of married life, and she\u2019s dreading the day it happens.<\/li>\n
    2. Maybe she doesn\u2019t feel grossed out, but fearful<\/em> about the situation, because she agrees that a female shouldn\u2019t be allowed to see a male\u2019s private parts. She feels ashamed that it\u2019s going to happen soon, because it will mean that she is now \u201ctainted\u201d and\u00a0\u201cunpure\u201d. She doesn\u2019t know how to handle the situation, and she\u2019s freaking the heck out about it.<\/li>\n
    3. Or maybe, she\u2019s actually not grossed out nor concerned about seeing your private parts at all. Instead, she is fearful about YOU<\/em>, her soon-to-be husband, seeing HER<\/em><\/span>\u00a0private parts, because she has been raised to feel ashamed of HER own private parts. She believes that having any male see her privates is a shameful, blasphemous act. (Sound familiar?) She is worried that YOU, her soon-to-be husband, will feel \u201cshameful, angry, shocked or worse still, mock\u201d them! Maybe she\u2019s scared that\u00a0YOU, after seeing them, will\u00a0<\/em>think they are gross, ugly, disgusting, unsightly, and not good enough [for you]!<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Now, if your soon-to-be wife\u00a0belongs to the first two schools of thought, it doesn\u2019t mean anything. The reason why she would think this way would be because she had the same conditioning as you when she was young, growing up in the same society at all. If so, she needs your help, as her soon-to-be husband, to know that this \u2014 spouses seeing each other naked\u00a0and private parts \u2014 isn\u2019t\u00a0<\/em>a shameful act, but is simply\u00a0a natural part of a couple in love coming together and becoming physically close. (Hello, how else do you think\u00a0most of\u00a0us in today\u2019s world came about???)<\/p>\n

      If so, your soon-to-be wife would your help, as the\u00a0other half\u00a0of the relationship, to guide her through this process and understand that this is okay and normal, and there\u2019s nothing to feel shameful or scared about. Give her time to adapt to the situation; don\u2019t force or accelerate anything (not that you will); let her know that you love her as who she is, unconditionally, independent of physical intimacy. Remember that physical intimacy is simply a natural result of your love, not an objective to be achieved in a relationship\/marriage.<\/p>\n

      Now, how about if it\u2019s the third school of thought, where SHE herself is ashamed of her private parts and you seeing them??? In fact, if you ask me, I think this is more likely the case, given media\u2019s frequent targeting of the female body!<\/p>\n

      Also, notice how you have been worried about your wife seeing YOUR private parts as opposed to you feeling abhorred\/disgusted by you soon seeing hers?? We\u2019re often the harshest critics of ourselves, when to others, our concerns have no place at all! If so, it\u2019s more even more important that you are her support and anchor who lets her know that everything IS okay, that there\u2019s nothing shameful or unattractive about HER body, and that you love every bit of her and find it attractive! It becomes even more important that you sort out your own insecurities\/fears about yourself \/ the circumstance so that you\u2019re in the best position to help her to sort out her insecurities\/fears. Because if we\u2019re too buried in our heads about our own problems, then how can we be able to help others with theirs?<\/p>\n

      Regardless of her belief, she\u2019ll realize over time, with\u00a0your love and guidance and also her own self-reflection, that this thinking is just a myth and that there\u2019s no basis to be ashamed, fearful, or even mortified by\u00a0this act.<\/p>\n

      Remember, You\u2019re Not Alone<\/h2>\n

      My final note to you is that what you\u2019re experiencing now, your\u00a0fears and all, isn\u2019t isolated to yourself.\u00a0Ten thousands of people get married every day. A chunk of these people see their spouse\u2019s private parts\u00a0for the first time that day, with some seeing another person\u2019s private parts for the first time in their LIVES.<\/p>\n

      At the same time,\u00a0a portion of these people have\u00a0likely fearing this moment for the days, weeks, months, even YEARS, leading up to that day, only to realize that subsequently\u2026\u00a0Hey, this is nothing but just a silly fear in my mind, and it has absolutely no consequence in my life, my marriage, or my love with my spouse!\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

      It is my wish that you\u00a0will realize that soon, perhaps with the aid of this article, that your fear is totally unnecessary and you\u2019ll soon look back and\u00a0laugh at how silly this anxiety and emotional roller coaster has been.<\/p>\n

      Good luck Ka and let me\u00a0know how things go! \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

      Here are some related articles to check out:<\/p>\n