{"id":444,"date":"2014-06-17T10:23:49","date_gmt":"2014-06-17T10:23:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/?p=444"},"modified":"2023-09-06T14:21:11","modified_gmt":"2023-09-06T14:21:11","slug":"ive-been-hurt-deeply-before-how-can-i-restore-my-faith-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/2014\/06\/17\/ive-been-hurt-deeply-before-how-can-i-restore-my-faith-in-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"I\u2019ve Been Hurt Deeply Before. How Can I Restore My Faith in Relationships?"},"content":{"rendered":"
(Image: bored-now<\/a>)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cDear Celes, I don\u2019t remember how I found you and your blog. What I remember is how touched I felt when I read your series on How To Move On From a\u00a0Heartbreak<\/a>. At that time I was in a similar ambiguous romantic-yet-not-in-a-relationship position that you were in with G, and successfully moved on from it. I posted a \u2018Thank you\u2019 in response.<\/p>\n Now, three years later, I just moved on from a relationship that\u00a0broke due to infidelity and betrayal.\u00a0However,\u00a0having been betrayed before, I\u2019m afraid of being betrayed again. I know that I cannot live in the past, but my past has changed me into the person I am, including all my fears and insecurities in relationships.<\/p>\n According to your signs<\/a>,\u00a0I have already moved on from my former relationship. I have forgiven all the infidelity and betrayal, sought closure with my ex and moved on. I no longer blame my ex or my past, but you know, emotions are real even if you don\u2019t want them to exist. How can I move on with complete faith in relationships again?<\/b>\u201d \u2014 Anna<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Hi Anna, firstly, I\u2019m sorry to hear that you were betrayed before. Secondly, I\u2019m really happy for you that you\u2019ve moved on. It was not an easy thing to do but you have done it. Now it\u2019s about taking the next step ahead.<\/p>\n For more on moving on, read\u00a0How I Moved On From a Heartbreak<\/a>\u00a0(series).<\/em><\/p>\n The fear of betrayal one experiences after an infidelity may be due to the traumatic experience of that ordeal. However, given that you said you have moved on (and it sounds like you have since you have worked through all the steps of moving on<\/a>) but the fear still persists, this fear \u2014 or at least the root of this fear \u2014 may well have nothing to do with that infidelity. Rather, it may stem from before this incident \u2014 before you were cheated on, before you even got together with your ex.<\/p>\n In other words, your ex\u2019s\u00a0infidelity didn\u2019t cause your fear of betrayal. It\u00a0merely brought it to your awareness. More specifically, it is probably the reflection of deeper fears you have surrounding love, relationships, and most of all, yourself.<\/p>\n For example, after\u00a0I was let down by G <\/a>in university, there were times when I wondered if I would ever find someone I like. My subconscious conclusions from the episode were that I wasn\u2019t good enough to be loved, that I could never find love and that perhaps I was destined to be alone. The experience of liking someone,\u00a0opening my heart to him, and\u00a0not having my\u00a0feelings requited crushed my heart\u00a0(and ego).\u00a0Deep down I felt like shit, an experience I\u2019ve already detailed in\u00a0my moving on series<\/a>.<\/p>\n There were times when I thought that all my relationship and singlehood\u00a0woes would be resolved if things had worked out with G back in school. However, it didn\u2019t take long before I realized that these thoughts \u2014 fears \u2014\u00a0had nothing to do with G or our connection not working out. Rather, they had everything to do with my own\u00a0inferiority about myself and my appeal as a woman \u2014 all of\u00a0which I already\u00a0held\u00a0years before meeting him. I never thought about them out loud, but subconsciously I already had these hangups.<\/p>\n So why did the G event surface these fears? Well, for the first time in my life, I acknowledged to myself that I wanted to be with someone. For the first time in my life, I\u00a0opened my heart to someone. And for the first time in my life,\u00a0the reason for my singlehood was not because \u201cThere\u2019s no one I like at the moment\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m not looking for a relationship\u00a0now,\u201d but that \u201cThe person I like doesn\u2019t want to be with me.\u201d To have the possibility of a great relationship\u00a0dangled in front of me and then ripped\u00a0away so abruptly only made\u00a0me feel the raw-wound\u00a0effects of not being deserving of love.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not good enough\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n and<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not good enough to be loved\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n were\u00a0my deep seated beliefs<\/a>\u00a0that came roaring from that episode. These limiting beliefs had always been in me; the episode merely\u00a0brought them\u00a0to light.<\/p>\n (I subsequently worked through\u00a0my hangups surrounding love\u00a0over the years, as I\u2019ve documented in the following:<\/p>\n Doing so subsequently led me to find my real soulmate<\/a>.)<\/p>\n Now Anna, if you have truly moved on from that infidelity, chances are your fear of betrayal\u00a0has deeper roots<\/a> that extend\u00a0before\u00a0<\/em>that infidel relationship<\/strong>. These roots may be from\u00a0your past or from other fears about yourself. If so, you need to look past that infidelity\u00a0because your fear doesn\u2019t have\u00a0(or at least, no longer has) anything to do with the infidelity. You need to look (1) earlier into your past, before that relationship, and (2) deeper into yourself, beneath your day-to-day\u00a0thoughts and feelings,\u00a0for your answer.<\/p>\n For example, Person X\u00a0can\u00a0experience a betrayal and conclude, \u201cI may get betrayed again,\u201d \u201cThere is no good man\/woman out there in the world,\u201d and \u201cThis new guy\/girl I just met may seem nice but who knows if he\/she is going to cheat on me after\u00a0we get together?\u201d These may seem like common fears but they are in fact terminalistic, fear-based conclusions.<\/p>\n However,\u00a0someone else say\u00a0Person Y\u00a0can experience a\u00a0betrayal too but walk away with the following thoughts, \u201cIt\u2019s just this one-off \u2014 I\u2019ll meet a good man\/woman who will be true to me,\u201d \u201cThere are plenty of great, honest, and loyal men\/women in this world\u00a0and I just need to meet\u00a0the right one<\/a>,\u201d and \u201cThis new guy\/girl I just met seems terrific! I look forward to seeing how things will unfold.\u201d<\/p>\n Why the radically difference in thinking between X\u00a0and Y, despite the same circumstances?<\/p>\n One possibility is that X\u00a0has always been\u00a0negative self-beliefs\u00a0prior to the betrayal, such as, \u201c\u201dI\u2019m not good enough to attract the person I like,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not deserving of love,\u201d and \u201cI may never find someone who loves\u00a0me.\u201d\u00a0All the result of negative self-esteem, lack of positive experiences with love, constantly seeing relationships fail, or all of the above.<\/p>\n Hence when the betrayal happened, X\u00a0could only see the negative aspects of it \u2014 negative aspects that corroborated his\/her existing negative beliefs. These negative fears then filled his\/her consciousness and became\u00a0the dominant part of his\/her thinking. While it may seem like\u00a0these fears are the result of\u00a0the betrayal, they aren\u2019t. They are merely a reflection of X\u2019s negative self-esteem that has been there since before the betrayal.<\/p>\n So what if the betrayal never took place, you ask? What if the relationship worked out and there was never any infidelity? Well, one possibility is that the person would\u00a0naturally realize that his\/her negative self-beliefs were\u00a0false and let go of them. Quite unlikely though. The more\u00a0dominant possibility is that his\/her negative self-beliefs would\u00a0manifest in other ways, even\u00a0with\u00a0a loving and authentic partner. Can you relate to the following?<\/p>\n On the other hand, Person B, not having existing negative self-beliefs, gets hurt from the betrayal but doesn\u2019t walk away with a lingering fear of relationships. After moving on<\/a>\u00a0from the episode<\/a>, he\/she has renewed faith in relationships. He\/she sees the betrayal\u00a0as what it is\u00a0\u2014 a one-off betrayal of trust by someone he\/she\u00a0used to love and trust, as opposed to proof that\u00a0he\/she is not deserving of love or that he\/she will continue to be betrayed in future romances. The incident doesn\u2019t get blown up into something that it isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n So Anna, here\u2019s what I\u00a0recommend:<\/p>\n I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best in overcoming this fear and finding the love that you deserve.<\/p>\n Read as well: Is It Possible To Let Go of Unhappy Past Forever?<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"\n
Example: My Experience with Heartbreak<\/h2>\n
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Deeper Roots Beneath Your\u00a0Relationship Fears<\/h2>\n
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Uncover and Let Go of these Negative Roots<\/h2>\n
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