{"id":452,"date":"2013-11-15T14:45:17","date_gmt":"2013-11-15T15:45:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/?p=452"},"modified":"2023-09-06T14:21:14","modified_gmt":"2023-09-06T14:21:14","slug":"ashley-madison-why-cheating-is-not-the-solution","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/2013\/11\/15\/ashley-madison-why-cheating-is-not-the-solution\/","title":{"rendered":"Ashley Madison: Why Cheating Is Not The Solution"},"content":{"rendered":"
Have you guys heard of Ashley Madison before? It\u2019s an online dating service targeted at married people or people in relationships.<\/p>\n
Meaning, it\u2019s like Match.com, but instead of being for singles, Ashley Madison is for people already married or seeing someone.<\/span> It is essentially a service that facilitates cheating and extra-marital affairs. (It even has a slogan, \u201cLife is short. Have an affair.\u201d)<\/p>\n Ashley Madison\u2019s website, with a model wearing a ring on her ring finger<\/p>\n<\/div>\n While I disagree with Ashley Madison (hereby referred to as \u201cAM\u201d) and what it stands for<\/a>, I decided to park aside my feelings to take a deeper look at AM and the bigger issue that is extra-martial affairs.<\/p>\n I first knew about AM in 2013, as it was planning to launch in Singapore in 2014 but promptly got blocked by the local authorities as it was deemed as a flagrant disregard of family values. This ban was made public in the local news.[1<\/a>][2<\/a>]<\/sup><\/p>\n I was immediately confused and bewildered by the idea of a business promoting extra-marital affairs \u2014 it just seemed really irresponsible to endorse and facilitate cheating \u2014 and thought that it was probably used by very few people. Upon some research, I quickly realized I was wrong and the Ashley Madison site actually enjoys high traffic around the world!<\/p>\n Some facts and figures (updated in April 2021<\/span>):<\/p>\n Ashley Madison\u2019s ranking in each country in Oct 2013, in terms of its website\u2019s popularity, according to Alexa. (Note in 2021: I don\u2019t have the updated data as Alexa no longer provides this data publicly.)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n After seeing these stats, I thought, If their site is so highly visited, that has to mean that many people are using it. But who?<\/em><\/p>\n I found this in-depth coverage of Ashley Madison by a GQ journalist<\/a>, who signed up for AM as part of his assignment to write about AM\u2019s female users.<\/p>\n Here are the profiles of some women he met:<\/p>\n Except for the first one who claims to be open with her husband, the rest are either, by their own admission, deeply unhappy or deeply dishonest with their spouses. Even with the first lady, I\u2019m doubtful about some of her claims as they are contradictory (she claims to be in a really happy household, yet she actively seeks out affairs; she does not take responsibility for her affairs but instead says she\u2019s doing them as \u201ca favor\u201d to her husband.)<\/p>\n Here are some facts from GQ:<\/p>\n Noel Biderman, the CEO of Ashley Madison, said, \u201cThe women\u2019s movement into the workplace was the first massive jump into unfaithfulness. The more financial independence women have, the more it correlates to how unfaithful they\u2019ll be.\u201d[5<\/a>]<\/sup> (Biderman has since stepped down as CEO in 2015.)<\/em><\/p>\n While I can understand the correlation, I don\u2019t think it\u2019s a causal relationship \u2014 as women (or men) earn more money, it addresses their basic needs of money and security, where they are no longer dependent on their spouse for security. They are now in a position to explore higher-order needs as a human \u2014 like figuring out their self-identity, and pursuing personal fulfillment and happiness. For some, this leads them down the path of cheating. But clearly, financial independence doesn\u2019t turn people into cheaters \u2014 something else does.<\/p>\n What is this something else? Well, it depends on the individual. But some reasons could be<\/p>\n For the first lady mentioned above, she may be inherently incompatible with monogamy, given that she has been a serial cheater since she was 16. This may be true for the fourth lady as well. For the second and third ladies, it seems like a combination of being unhappy with themselves\/their lives, and falling out of love with their partners (if they were even in love in the first place).<\/p>\n Ashley Madison\u2019s Netherlands website<\/p>\n<\/div>\n For the adulterer, there are basically voids he\/she is trying to fill, and an affair is being sought out to fill these voids.<\/p>\n Whatever these reasons are, they would be there whether the woman (or man) is financially able or not. In that sense, money is simply an enabler, not the cause.<\/p>\n Yet, whatever these issues or voids are, affairs will never solve them<\/strong>. Sure these affairs may fill whatever gaps are present right now.<\/p>\n But these effects are temporary. No sooner do these affairs end, would you be back facing your original voids. Some may look for new affairs to get into. Some may return to feeling empty\/frustrated. Some may bury themselves in other things \u2014 food, drinks, work, retail therapy \u2014 to avoid facing the problem. But these do not change the fact that the voids are there and have to be tackled \u2014 not filled with a patch like an affair \u2014 for permanent closure.<\/p>\n How do they get tackled?<\/p>\n If the issues are inherent to the marriage: Trashing things out with your spouse. Deciding if the issues are salvageable \u2014 if yes, working together to fix the issues; if not, divorce. If divorce is not an option due to the marital laws in the country, deciding whether to live as a separated couple, or have an open relationship (where both parties agree to see other people).<\/p>\n If the issues are with you and not your partner or marriage: Doing internal work to address the issues. Taking steps and making the necessary changes, be it a career shift or making a life change. Hiring a coach\/counselor\/therapist to help you out. Talking to your partner, and working together on the problems. Deciding if your partner and marriage fit who you are today, and who you wish to be, or if being alone or being with a different partner is the answer. Deciding if the nature of a marriage \u2014 a monogamy, being with someone for life \u2014 is compatible with you and your values.<\/p>\n I have written many articles on addressing inner voids, some of which can be found here:<\/p>\n Whatever it is, an affair isn\u2019t the answer. When someone has an affair, they\u2019re basically committing an act of dishonesty<\/strong>, and lying to the one person they should be the most truthful to \u2014 their spouse<\/strong>. This is the one person whom they\u2019ve made a personal promise to \u2014 to be faithful, to be with them through thick and thin, and to be with them forever.<\/p>\n Whatever professional or social exterior they may live by, it doesn\u2019t change the fact that they (the adulterer) is lying every single day by having the affair. The lying that comes with an affair isn\u2019t just during the times when the adulterer makes up an excuse to see their lover (unlike what the fourth lady in the GQ interview says) \u2014 it\u2019s all the time, from the moment the decision to have an affair was made.<\/p>\n To quote the GQ article,<\/p>\n \u201cMonogamy may defy certain biological imperatives and may not make as much sense for modern eighty-year life spans, but that\u2019s the contract you sign up for; if it isn\u2019t for you, then opt out or marry someone new.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n As for those who are just inherently not compatible with monogamy, then don\u2019t get into a relationship or a marriage to begin with. If that\u2019s too late and you\u2019re already in one, then the next best thing is to break up \/ divorce and seek a better solution, such as being in an open relationship or to stick to non-committal encounters.<\/p>\n As a business owner myself, I found it strange and disappointing that there are businesses like AM that are built on cheating and dishonesty. I just don\u2019t find running a business like AM meaningful or something to be proud of even if it is raking in large profits.<\/p>\n In an Australian TV interview, Biderman defended his company by saying, \u201cI would rather see people pursue [an affair] and stay true to their families,\u201d which probably explains his underlying philosophy behind starting Ashley Madison.[6<\/a>]<\/sup><\/p>\n But I think this argument is missing the point altogether, which is that (a) having an affair isn\u2019t \u201cstaying true\u201d to your family. \u201cStaying true\u201d means to be completely honest and faithful to. Cheating is as far from \u201cstaying true\u201d as it can be.<\/p>\n And (b) if someone has to seek out an affair to stay in the marriage, then there\u2019s something fundamentally wrong with the relationship to begin with. Maybe the couple is fundamentally incompatible with each other. Maybe the relationship is not meant to be. Maybe the person is not meant for monogamy.<\/p>\n Whatever it is, it\u2019s more damaging to both parties to stay together in a loveless and unhappy marriage, than to actually divorce and pursue their own happiness. It\u2019s even worse if there are children involved.<\/p>\n As business owners, the answer is to help the person address their internal struggles and achieve a resolution, whether it\u2019s by divorcing or by working things out with their spouse or changing things about their life, NOT create a portal for affairs.<\/p>\n In August 2015, AM was revealed to have been hacked, with personal data of its 33 million accounts dumped online. Amongst the data are 10,000 email addresses belonging to government officials or workers with .gov addresses.[7<\/a>]<\/sup><\/p>\n Sadly, according to the hacker collective that hacked the site, this hack revealed that the site had thousands of fake female profiles, and that 90-95% of actual users are male. Meaning, these are men who signed up to cheat, but never got to. There have also been a separate lawsuit of an ex-employee of AM who revealed that she was hired to type up many fake female profiles.[8<\/a>]<\/sup> For a business that bases itself on dishonesty, it may not be all too surprising at the end of the day.<\/p>\n It was also revealed that Biderman himself had several extramarital affairs over the course of his marriage[9<\/a>]<\/sup>, despite publicly claiming in interviews that he does not cheat.[10<\/a>]<\/sup> His wife had previously stated that she would be devastated if she ever found out her husband was cheating.[11<\/a>]<\/sup> I guess for a person who built a business based on cheating and disloyalty, it is not too surprising that he turned out to have been lying about his loyalty to his spouse.<\/p>\n Perhaps now Biderman finally understands the repercussions of having an affair, and that as much as one may try to morally justify to themselves that having an affair is okay, at the end of the day it hurts the one person whom you\u2019ve pledged to be with, who loves you the most.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Have you guys heard of Ashley Madison before? It\u2019s an online dating service targeted at married people or people in relationships. Meaning, it\u2019s like Match.com, [Read More…]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":454,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[21],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/452"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=452"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/452\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":460,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/452\/revisions\/460"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/454"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=452"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=452"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/twilia.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=452"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/p>\n
Looking Up Ashley Madison<\/h2>\n
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So who\u2019s using it?<\/h2>\n
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General Stats on AM users<\/h3>\n
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What Drives Infidelity\/Adultery<\/h2>\n
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Cheating = Not the Solution<\/h3>\n
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The Solution<\/h2>\n
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As for Ashley Madison<\/h2>\n
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Update: Ashley Madison Hack (Aug 2015)<\/h2>\n