![\"Divorce](\"http:\/\/twilia.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/11\/divorce-contract.jpg\")
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Recently I came across this post by a divorced man<\/a> (Gerald Rogers) sharing his advice on making marriages work, after his own 16-year marriage failed.<\/p>\n Given that I\u2019m getting married soon, and while I know my marriage with my husband will be forever, it\u2019s still useful to learn from someone who was in a 16-year marriage, was unable to make things work out, and has the benefit of hindsight. It helps to know what to watch out for and whether I\u2019m on the right track in building my best relationship, and same for those of you in relationships or are finding love<\/a>.<\/p>\n While some of Gerald\u2019s advice are a little over the top (his advice as a whole seems to suggest that you live your life for no one else but your partner, and your partner\/marriage (and no one\/nothing else) should be the center of your universe \u2014 both of which are dangerous hallmarks of a co-dependent relationship) \u2014 he shares certain relationship truths which I want to highlight in today\u2019s post.<\/p>\n \/ Start of selected snippets of Gerald\u2019s advice. My add-ons in blue.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman\/man<\/span> for granted.\u00a0When you asked her to marry you (or for females, when you agreed to marry him)<\/span>, you promised to be that man (woman)<\/span>\u00a0who would OWN HER\u00a0(HIS)<\/span>\u00a0HEART and to fiercely protect it. NEVER GET LAZY in your love.<\/p>\n My Notes<\/strong>: I agree. It\u2019s the same for females. Never get lazy in your relationship. When your man proposed to<\/span><\/a> and married you, he chose you, above all other women. Perhaps you did not play an active role in the courtship or you were not the proactive lover (e.g. maybe your partner was the one who remembered the anniversaries and planned the surprises), but that doesn\u2019t mean you should continue behaving this way.<\/span><\/p>\n Your man chose you just as you chose him. So don\u2019t take him for granted. If you have been doing that, then stop. Ask yourself, \u201cHow can I be the active lover in our relationship?\u201d Don\u2019t get complacent in your relationship because you are now together. Rather, treasure him more than ever precisely<\/em>\u00a0because you are now with each other.<\/span><\/p>\n You will constantly change.\u00a0You\u2019re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same people you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other every day. SHE\u00a0(HE)<\/span> DOESN\u2019T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU. Always fight to win her\u00a0(his)<\/span> love just as you did when you were courting her\u00a0(when you guys were dating)<\/span>.<\/p>\n My Notes<\/strong>: I fully agree with this tip. We are evolving, every moment of the day. We are not the same people right now compared to yesterday or last week.<\/span><\/p>\n Biologically, this is true too: with the exception of some cells, most of our cells today are new. Our stomach lining cells die and are replaced every two days; our colon cells every four days; our skin cells every few days to weeks; our red blood cells every four months; and so on.<\/span><\/p>\n Given that you and your partner are constantly growing into different people, your relationship has to evolve to match both of you: otherwise it will cease to be relevant. In growing, don\u2019t forget to always\u00a0be the best partner<\/span><\/a>\u00a0for your significant other (S.O.) and always care for your relationship. Be together because you choose to be together every day, not because you are legally bound to do so by marriage.<\/span><\/p>\n Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you see will be reasons to be bugged.<\/p>\n My Notes<\/strong>: I wouldn\u2019t say to focus only<\/span> on what you love because part of your role as a partner is to help your S.O. be a better him\/her<\/a> by bringing (red flag) issues to light as they arise.<\/span><\/p>\n However, definitely\u00a0focus on the things \u2014 qualities, practices, and\/or beliefs \u2014 you love about him\/her<\/a> over what you don\u2019t (if there are any), because the former is why you chose him\/her to begin with. These are the factors \u00a0to build your relationship upon, not the negative things you don\u2019t like. Celebrate his\/her goodness: don\u2019t dwell on the undesirables. The nurturing approach is what\u2019s going to soar your relationship to the next height as I wrote in step #10 of my authentic love guide<\/a>.)<\/span><\/p>\n \u2026your job is to love her\u00a0(him)<\/span> as she (he)<\/span> is with no expectation of her\u00a0(him)<\/span> ever changing.<\/p>\n My Notes<\/strong>: <\/span>I agree with the message, which is your \u201crole\u201d as a partner should be to <\/span>love your S.O. with no expectations<\/span><\/a>. This has been my stance from the day I got together with my husband, which is also why I never asked him to <\/span>stop clubbing nor quit smoking<\/a>. <\/span>He sort of just decided to do that on his own.<\/a><\/p>\n It\u2019s not your wife\u2019s\u00a0(husband\u2019s)<\/span> job to make you happy, and she\u00a0(he)<\/span> CAN\u2019T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness.<\/p>\n My Notes<\/strong>: Absolutely. You are responsible for your happiness<\/a>\u00a0(or any emotion like anger, sadness, and fear for that matter); don\u2019t make your partner\/spouse responsible for that. Own your emotions and learn to find your happiness. (Clue: it\u2019s inside you.) Read: 10 Timeless Principles To Be Happy<\/a>. When she\u00a0(he)<\/span> is sad or upset, it\u2019s not your job to fix it, it\u2019s your job to HOLD HER\u00a0(him)<\/span> and let her\u00a0(him)<\/span> know it\u2019s okay. DON\u2019T RUN AWAY WHEN SHE\u00a0(HE)<\/span> IS UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her\u00a0(him)<\/span> know you aren\u2019t going anywhere.<\/p>\n My Notes<\/strong>: Giving solutions when the other party is seeking empathy is a common mistake many men\/women make. When your S.O. is expressing frustration or having a bad day, be his\/her pillar of support by providing a listening ear, being there for him\/her, and if needed: asking the right questions<\/a>. There\u2019s no need to take the role of a problem solver and dispense solutions because this may not be what your S.O. needs. He\/she may just be looking for your support and to know that,\u00a0hey, my baby is there for me<\/em>.<\/span><\/p>\n The importance of\u00a0just being there<\/em>\u00a0doesn\u2019t just apply to romantic relationships too: it applies to all relationships. So take note of this for your friendships and parental relationships as well.<\/span><\/p>\n The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to go and find what feeds her soul. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids.<\/p>\n My Notes<\/strong>: This is exactly my view on how we should treat our husband \/ guy partner too. I was asked by Her World magazine last week to give my advice on the topic \u201cHow to get your men to open up.\u201d My number one tip is to give your man time and space. You don\u2019t want to hard press your man to do anything because he may shut off. Or he may heed your wishes, but begrudgingly. Either way, that\u2019s not what you want.<\/span><\/p>\n Always give your man the time and space to process his emotions and come to his self-realizations. The self-realized man is the better man for both himself and you: not one who is pushed into decisions<\/a>\u00a0because he can\u2019t take ownership for them.<\/span><\/p>\n \u2026you don\u2019t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.<\/p>\n My Notes<\/strong>: Openness (and trust that your S.O. will handle your vulnerability with care) is vital for any relationship to blossom. Allow your weak side to emerge in front of your S.O.; you don\u2019t have to appear as the iron man\/lady all the time.<\/span><\/p>\n Within the second day I got together with my husband, I allowed myself to cry during one of our phone conversations and did not hide it from him (same for him); in a matter of two-and-a-half weeks I allowed myself to cry in person before him (he did it earlier). Throughout the relationship I allowed myself to open up more and more, and to share more and more of my vulnerabilities (not just in terms of emotions but also personal fears and problems).<\/span><\/p>\n Such openness didn\u2019t come without resistance initially, as I wondered if allowing myself to be so<\/em> open (particularly with my sadness and tears) would cause him to think I was crazy. But then I decided to give it the benefit of doubt and let my true emotions flow anyway. This has undoubtedly helped us grow closer together.<\/span><\/p>\n If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING\u2026 Especially those things you don\u2019t want to share. Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK\u2026 If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.<\/p>\n My Notes<\/strong>: I wouldn\u2019t say that sharing everything is a prerequisite to having trust, for you can give trust fully without the person being open. Meaning you can trust a person even if he\/she is not fully open for whatever reason. (Trust is more a function of your personal attitudes. The oneness mindset is the key<\/a>.<\/span>)<\/span><\/p>\n However, sharing is<\/span> a prerequisite to a closer relationship. In our relationship, my husband and I share everything with each other. You can\u2019t grow closer without being open, and being open includes being vulnerable (see previous tip) and transparent. And you can never experience your highest relationship with your S.O. if you put stoppers between both of you, such as withholding emotions, hiding thoughts, and self-monitoring your behavior.<\/span><\/p>\n Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.<\/p>\n My Notes<\/strong>: I agree. This is important for both of you to individually grow and evolve your relationship to a new level.<\/span><\/p>\n My husband knows my personal goals extensively and I share my progress with him nearly daily. We also chat about his top goals and progress towards those goals too.<\/span><\/p>\n As a couple, we discuss and set common visions (e.g. housing, finances, life goals, and our family relationships), which we work towards in tandem with our individual goals. We review said goals weekly\/monthly. We work together even on day-to-day lifestyle goals: We shop for groceries and pick healthy food together. We exercise together every other day to keep fit. We make healthy meals together so we can nourish our body with the best nutrition.<\/span><\/p>\n This constant emphasis on growth renews our minds, bodies, hearts, and souls. Not only does it help us to grow into our highest selves, it helps our relationship to evolve to its highest level.<\/span><\/p>\n \u2026and focus on the future rather than carry weight from the past. Don\u2019t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she\u00a0(he)<\/span> makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM.<\/a><\/p>\n \/ End of Gerald\u2019s advice. For his complete post, visit this link<\/a>. While Gerald\u2019s advice was targeted at males\/husbands, I feel it applies to females too, and hence my message towards ladies throughout the article.<\/p>\n No one marries expecting divorce. (If you do, then you want to rethink marriage first before walking down the aisle.)<\/p>\n However, many marriages fail anyway. (For the ones that don\u2019t, many spouses either live\/sleep separately or commit adultery behind their partners\u2019 backs<\/a>, sad to say.) In a 2012 study conducted in England and Wales<\/a>,\u00a042% of marriages (in England and Wales) are estimated to end in divorce. In U.S., it is said that half the marriages end in divorce<\/a> (or separation), which is an exceedingly high statistic. And in Singapore, over 7,000 divorces were filed last year<\/a>\u00a0(2012), which is slightly over a quarter of the marriages registered that same year.<\/p>\n While hardly the benchmark for lasting marriages, there have been some Hollywood marriages which I thought would last (longer than they did anyway), but didn\u2019t. For example:<\/p>\n (And that\u2019s not including other popular failed celebrity marriages like Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt\u2019s (five years long), Tom Cruise (again) and Nicole Kidman\u2019s (almost ten years), Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore\u2019s\u00a0(seven years), and Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony\u2019s (eight years).)<\/p>\n While your relationship\/marriage will naturally soar with the right person<\/a>, don\u2019t take it for granted. Like with other things in life, put your best foot forward:\u00a0be the best person you can be<\/a>, be the best partner\/lover for your S.O., and nurture your relationship\/marriage to its highest level. I\u2019m going to do the same too.<\/p>\n What do you feel about the advice shared by Gerald (the divorced man)?<\/p>\n How can you apply the above advice to your relationship\/marriage?<\/p>\n (Image: Divorce contract<\/a>)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Advice from a Divorced Man after a 16-Year Marriage<\/h2>\n
1. Never stop courting.<\/h2>\n
3. Fall in love over and over again.<\/h2>\n
4. Always see the best in her (him)<\/span>.<\/h2>\n
5. It\u2019s not your job to change or fix her (him)<\/span>\u2026<\/h2>\n
6. Take full accountability for your own emotions.<\/h2>\n
\n<\/span><\/p>\n8. Allow your woman (man)<\/span> to just be.<\/h2>\n
14. Give her (him)<\/span> space\u2026<\/h2>\n
15. Be vulnerable\u2026<\/h2>\n
16. Be fully transparent.<\/h2>\n
17. Never stop growing together\u2026<\/h2>\n
19. Forgive immediately\u2026<\/strong><\/h2>\n
\n<\/em><\/em><\/p>\nMy Thoughts<\/h2>\n
Marriage Failures Rates and Examples<\/h3>\n
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Don\u2019t Take Your Relationship\/Marriage for Granted<\/h3>\n
How About You?<\/h2>\n