How To Know When You Have Found ‘The One’: 8 Questions To Consider

Estimated read time 12 min read

This is the last part of my 7-part series where I share my love journey, how I met my soulmate, and how you can attract authentic love as well.

Silhouette of a couple

In your love journey, you are going to meet many prospects. Some of whom you may have non-committal, fleeting encounters with, such as one-night-stands and flings. Some may be unrequited loves. Some may be cheats. Some may be toxic and abusive partners. Some may leave your heart fluttering, only for the feelings to die off before you can even put a finger to what it was you were feeling.

On the other hand, some may be solid individuals with great personalities, great minds, and a genuine interest in you. They may make you wonder, Is he/she “the one”?

Many have asked me how I realized Ken is “the one” for me, in such a short period no less (within a month of getting together). Some found it incredulous on how I can make my assessment so quickly, hence ironically quick to conclude that my assessment is flawed.

The funny thing is that between Ken and I, I was actually the slow one to realize that he is the one. Ken himself realized — without a single doubt — that I’m the one for him by the third day we got together. In fact, he already felt this way during our first few weeks of contact and was 100% affirmed of his feelings after we got attached. Previously, he had been with many girls —  with some relationships spanning for years — but his feelings for them never amounted to anything close.

8 Questions to Evaluate if He/She is “The One”

I can’t tell you whether the person you’re with is “the one” for you. This is a decision and realization you must arrive at yourself.

That said, I have 8 questions for you to consider in deciding if someone is “the one”:

  1. Does this person love you for you? Your one should love you for who you are. He/she doesn’t judge, compare you with others, or criticize you because he/she understands you are an individual of your own, second to none. He/she celebrates everything about you and sees beauty even in places where you don’t see it.
  2. Can you be yourself around him/her? You should be able to be yourself around your one. Be it being goofy, crazy, kiddish, wimpy, sulky, or morose, you can be all these and more in front of him/her without worry about judgment. You never need to dial yourself down or put on a different persona to fit him/her and he/she doesn’t require you to do so either.
  3. Is he/she there for you in times of need? Your one should be the one who’s always there for you: day or night, rain or shine. He/she will never leave you to face your problems alone. He/she cares for you deeply: perhaps even more so than he/she cares for him/herself.
  4. Does he/she make you happy? Your one should make you happy. When you’re with him/her, you’re constantly smiling, laughing, and happy. When you think about him/her, you smile, not cry. Even if you cry, you’re shedding tears of happiness not sorrow. While there may be conflicts at times, they are quickly resolved and not dragged out into week/month-long wars. Your happy times together far outweigh any unhappy moments. He/she is, without a doubt, a positive light in your life.
  5. Do you feel excited to see him/her? Your one should be someone you are excited to see every time: even when you guys had just met. No meeting is too soon between the both of you; you can never wait till you meet again. You always make time to meet him/her — even in your busiest times — because that’s how important he/she is to you.
  6. Does he/she inspire you to be more than you can be? Your one should inspire you to be more than you can be. Being with him/her elevates you rather than holds you down. When you’re with him/her, you feel like a better man/woman and you want to be even better for him/her, as well as for yourself.
  7. Do you love him/her? There is no relationship without love. Your one should be someone you love unconditionally with all your heart. Your love isn’t contingent of his/her good looks, personal success, wealth, family background, social status, or career accomplishments (i.e. “what” makes up him/her). Rather, your love is the result of “who” he/she is: his character, values, and ethics.
  8. Do you see yourself with him/her for the rest of your life? Your one should be someone you see yourself with forever: for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, or in health. No matter what happens, you will stick with him/her and stand by his/her side.

8 Signs He/She is NOT “The One”

On the other hand, here are 8 signs you are with the wrong person, complementing my list Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship:

  1. He/she doesn’t love you for who you are. There are often conditions and expectations you have to live up to before he/she will be happy. Criticism isn’t uncommon. Neither are comparisons made with other people. No matter what you do or how hard you try, there always seems to be something wrong (with you) that you need to fix.
  2. He/she doesn’t inspire you to be more than you can be. In fact, you feel weighed down sometimes with him/her. You feel like you can’t talk about or pursue your higher goals without losing him/her. It’s as if he/she is holding you back and preventing you from moving upward and forward in life.
  3. He/she isn’t there for you when you need him/her. Be it excuses or actual reasons, there is always one thing or another that keeps him/her from being there for you. Instead, it’s your other friends who are with you during your difficult moments. He/she is with you during good times but never the bad times.
  4. He/she makes you more sad than happy. Whenever you think of him/her, you feel sad, worried, stressed, scared, or even angry: anything but happy. When you’re with him/her, you argue more often than not. While you may have had happy times together before, they seem like memories of yesteryears.
  5. You don’t feel excited to see him/her. Bored maybe, nonchalant perhaps, jaded even, but not excited. Sometimes you may rather do something else rather than meet him/her.
  6. You can’t be yourself around him/her. You have to constantly change to fit him/her. You can never behave as your real self out of fear of judgment/criticism by him/her.
  7. You don’t love him/her. You may have some good feelings towards him/her but you’re not sure whether it’s love. Or maybe you love him/her but this love is conditional on certain factors, in which case it wouldn’t be real love.
  8. You can’t see yourself with him/her for the rest of your life. Maybe 1 year, 2 years, 3 years or even 4, but you’re not sure if you want to be with him/her for the rest of your life.

What To Expect in Your “One”: It’s Up to What You Want

Forming the heart shape with fingers

At the end of the day, whether someone is “the one” is very subjective.

For some people, they may be only looking for someone as a life companion and bearer of their children. I had a conversation with a good  friend a few months ago who is considering settling down with someone just that: no more, no less.

While I might have judged this approach towards relationship/marriage before, I can empathize. His comment comes after years of not getting anywhere close to finding that ideal partner who can meet his emotional, mental, and physical needs. He’s not getting any younger, and having children of his own is important to him at the end of the day. He wants to be around to see his children grow up (definitely not following Simon Cowell who is only having his first baby at the age of 54). Having a simple lady as a partner also saves drama and makes for a reliable partner at the end of the day.

His intent reminded me of mail-order brides: where men order their brides from catalogs, usually of women in lower-income households in third-world countries. This phenomenon is definitely at odds with my viewpoint towards marriage: I see it as something pristine and should only be saved for that one person you love truly and deeply.

However,I have realized, “To each his own.” Some people may be happy with a functional marriage, i.e. to bear a child, to get citizenship, or to enjoy tax benefits while others may find true love this way. And if people are happy with a relationship/marriage like that, who are we to judge?

Some people may be fixated on how their “one” should be. In my guide on how to attract love, I mentioned the importance of knowing your top criteria in a partner (Step #9). Not 5, not 4, not even 3, but your top 1–2 criteria. Doing this isn’t to compromise but to clarify the most important thing that matters.

However, some overzealous singles have an endless checklist and refuse to consider anyone who “falls short” in any way. To them, reducing their criteria means compromising, even though it’s not necessarily so. They rather stay single than be with someone who doesn’t fit their staunch image of how their “one” should be like. Again, to each his own.

Then for others, perhaps they are okay with making do. With the 8 pointers I listed above, they are okay if only 2 or 3 are met. It’s more important that they are in a relationship and have someone to return home to, rather than hold out for that one person whom they can be a mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual match with.

None of these are right or wrong approaches. At the end of the day, it’s up to you to choose who you want to be with. Your criteria for your “one” should be based on what you wish to get out of a relationship, your personal needs, and your expectations of your future. Your “one” should be someone who is a perfect match for YOU, whom you want to spend the rest of your life with and with whom you want to create a better future ahead with.

Endnote for This Series

Thank you so much for reading this series. I hope you have found it helpful in attracting your best love in life. 🙂

For those of you who’ve not found your love, I hope you do at some point. Not because you need someone to complete you — you don’t — but because life can be so much richer and fuller when you find your right match. I was extremely happy with myself and with life before I met Ken; after meeting him and being with him, I realized life has other dimensions which I was not experiencing before. It was like I was living life in 3-D before and now I see life in 5-D or even 6-D. It’s richer, it’s fuller, there are more colors which I never knew could be there. It’s hard to explain this feeling without someone being in the situation him/herself.

Once again, my article 10 Steps To Attract Authentic Love will help.

Having a great relationship doesn’t stop after you’ve found the one. While being with the right person gives you a huge head start, there are other things involved to create your best relationship, such as being mindful of your partner’s needs, finding synergies between your relationship and your life, and resolving conflicts in a healthy manner. These are things I look forward to writing on PE in the months/years ahead. 🙂

Get the manifesto version of this article: The Soulmate Manifesto

Next up, Ken and I would like to share our engagement photos, which we took in Scotland, with you. You would have seen some of them when reading parts 1-5 of the series. Check out our favorite photos here:

Update, May 2014: We have since gotten married! 🙂 Check out our wedding pictures and exchange of vows here:

Thank You

Thank you for being a part of my (and now Ken’s) life. I look forward to sharing more of my life and our relationship with all of you.

Till next time, love yourself. Let’s continue to be our best self and live our best life. 🙂

Engagement shoot: Walking into the sunset

This is the last part of my 7-part series where I share my love journey, how I met my soulmate, and how you can attract authentic love as well.

(Images: Silhouette of a coupleHeart, Shots of Ken and I from our Glasgow Engagement Shoot)

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